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February 19th: FEAR: Abuse stretches far beyond beatings. Learn the signs of a verbal or abusive relationship. http://bit.ly/W7kToK...

My butterflies never last long. Today was a horrible day. I saw her at school. It didnt end well.

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There are three scheduled discussions on the topic of combating anxiety in the Chat Room for users to seek advice and share thoughts and ideas! The first discussion will be held at 8pm UK time (GMT/UTC), the second will be held at 8pm Eastern US time (EST), and the third will be ...

Well, today was odd. For a number of reasons. To begin with, I got out of bed earlier than I needed to because I was hoping one of my british friends would come online. It didn't happen, but by that stage I needed to leave.

My appointment with Jens didn't happen. He had to cancel because he was needed urgently at the hospital or something, but he did drop by to tell my quickly that yes, I will be getting my license back.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? I GET TO DRIVE AGAIN!
...

So I had a massive rant to Leisa (my community support worker) about how I feel like I have no friends and I feel like I'm going in circles and all the other stuff that's messing up my head at the moment. It ended up being quite a heated discussion

Her opinion is that I'm frustrated and bored. Well, yeah. But I'm also scared. And I explained to her about the fear and all my inadequacies and stuff. And yeah.

I mean I feel better for having ranted but that stuff...

Sometimes it feels like everybody's suicidal and there's nothing I can do to help because you're all so far away. Seriously, what's with that? How am I meant to help you, or even comfort you, when you're so far away? I wish I could. I wish I could.

I know I'm not in the best place myself, with self-harm and that, but I'm not directly suicidal either. Oh sure, I have thoughts, and a plan, and the means, but I no longer have a timeframe. I could kill myself. But I don't want to. Because...

You know, my mom really hurt my feelings today. We argue a lot and I'm used to that, but she said something really out of line today.

I was helping clean out the attic. There were tons of empty boxes up there, and we were taking them all out back to the burn barrel to get rid of them. I was at the top of the stairs, and mom told me to just slide the boxes down and she'd set them all by the back door. I slid a really big one down, and then there was a very small box. It wasn't going...

I didn't sleep well. I woke up so many times that I can't count them. My new flatmate snores. I just kept waking up. And waking up. And waking up some more.

Then my flatmate got up and had a shower. This wasn't too early, some time between nine and ten, but at that point I just gave up on the whole idea of sleep. It was obvious I wasn't going to get any more.

She left water all over the bathroom floor. Obviously doesn't use a bath mat. And hair, too. I'm not impressed....

New flatmate.
Positive: flushes the toilet, shuts the fridge, often shuts bedroom door.
Negative: eats canned fish (which is smelly), watches lots of tv, leaves water on the bench.

:/
It's so obvious how much I can't deal with strangers. Ever since she got here I've been freaking out. Unfortunately she didn't get here until late this afternoon, so my entire team will have gone home, so I can't tell anybody. Not that telling anybody would change anything anyway....

I'll be posting in HL about this in a few months. But I needed to ramble out my thoughts in the meantime.

The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never...