About ten minutes ago somebody knocked on my door. I wasn't actually aware they were knocking on my door, per se, because people frequently knock on my neighbour's window (it's literally right next to mine) and it often sounds like people are knocking on my door when they are in fact, not. Also I had my headphones on, as I've been watching stuff on my laptop.

Anyway I saw somebody walking back down the driveway, and as it was a young female somebody, I'm going to assume it was somebody...

So as you know, my feet are very sore. But I still went to my appointment, and my key worker gave me a ride to the bus stop so I didn't have to walk back there to get home. She said keep an eye on it because oyster cuts can get infected quite easily, but I already knew this and I already plan to watch how it heals carefully.

We had our appointment. I used the whiteboard to explain how things are going on right now. She's going to organise for me to meet with Debbie (the psychologist),...

Might be triggering for those with EDs.

So today was the second day of the WRAP course. We went through the five key concepts (which I don't remember off the top of my head), and started looking at a "Wellness Toolbox". Our task for the weekend (because the next class isn't until Monday) is to work on things we can put in our toolboxes. So far I've got petting Linny and playing an instrument in mine, but I do plan to add more - if I'm going to do this course, I'm going to...

Warning ahead of time: I do not mean to insult smokers here.

I find the fact my mom's trying to take away cutting but yet I'm still secretly doing it funny, in a way.

Both of us are liars. Both my mom and I are liars.

I think her lies are worse.

She smokes. After my dad got cancer in 4th grade she said she would be completely honest with me and that they'd quit. I don't know if my dad fully quit or not and honestly I'm not angry with him...

I started the WRAP course today. WRAP is Wellness and Recovery Action Plan. It goes for eight sessions of two hours, which I'll be doing in approximately a fortnight, but there are options for people to do it over a longer period too - like, eight weeks. Leisa gave me money to put on my bus card which is about $10 more than I will need to attend the sessions, so my bus card is sorted for the next little while.

I've had a flick through the WRAP booklet. Part of it is scaring me. It...

I told my mom today about the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She thinks it's all because of the fact that I'm unsure if I want to be a doctor or not and that it's okay if I don't want to be a doctor, and hell, I can be a garbageman if that's what I want. But I don't know what I want. She brushed off the fact that I told her in the letter that I don't want to live past eighteen as just thoughts. Didn't really take it seriously. But at least now I can tell J that.

She saw a cut...

Oh boy.

So Leisa came over almost literally exactly when I decided to make toast. Which was about 11:00am. I'd got hungry (woo!) and I didn't feel like cooking properly, so I decided to have toast. And the first thing we did was go through the list of rules I'd made, which Leisa thought were all fine and normal and are stuff that should be expected of people anyway, to which I had an internal sigh of relief.

I start the WRAP thing tomorrow, she's going to give me money...

Leisa is cool. She came over today. I am still not in a good head-space, but Leisa helps. She got June to do some cleaning. We're going to have a roster so that June knows when to clean (hopefully she'll follow it), and Leisa wanted me to write down some things which I would like as rules which I have now done. She's coming over again tomorrow.

We went for a drive to one of the beaches down Weymouth way. Just sitting near the ocean, with the sea breeze, felt . . . felt badgood. I...

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I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids....