I really, really hate my body at the moment.
It's all wrong. It's too curvy, too girly, too short, not muscly enough.. I can't fix it either. I've been working out, I tried eating right, and I spiral back into binge eating because it makes me feel miserable. I'm never going to get taller. My feet aren't going to grow. Even if I transition I'll still probably not fucking pass because I'm tiny. Which sucks so much.
And at the moment my hair is too girly, my mum won't let me where masculine...

Oh well.

I'm still very depressed.
Do you know how I managed to eat, shower, and brush my teeth last night?

I got stoned.
Do you know how I layed in bed for a couple of hours listening to music calmly and then eventually slept?
I got stoned with synthetic (legal) weed.

Do you know how I managed to not cut last night?
Yeah, I was off my face.

So I didn't take the quetiapine for one night. Only me and the internet...

I have this aching emptiness.

Like rain that just won’t go away.

My emotions are turned off.

The way I used to feel about things is nothing like the way it was before.

Now, I just.. don’t care.

About anything.

I almost have to fake my love for those whom love me.

Because I can’t feel.

I can’t let myself feel anything because if I do, ‘it’ makes it real.

And then...

I find it funny and interesting that even though i share my laptop with my mom and sometimes my sister, they never notice the sites i've been on. Like ones like this one and others for depression and movie site where i watch movies like Suicide Room. Haha. Guess i'm the invisible women. Lovely. *vanishes* With this ability, i shall destroy my enemies! Mwhahahahaha! >

I find it interesting that people say i look beautiful and skinny, yet they still call me fat or tell me how something is unhealthy for me. There's only 1 person in this world that doesn't give a fuck about how i look...or atleast i think he does. It's hard to tell sometimes...why do people like to play games? Is that all i am to them? A toy? And i mean that in almost every way possible. But i've decided to stop hurting myself. Because afterwards i just feel worse. I wonder if insulting myself in...

I'm almost not sick anymore!! Haven't coughed since about 5am (it's now after 6pm) and the only way you could tell I've been a bit off is that my voice is still pretty hoarse. But it's all good because I can breathe again and speak without coughing fits and don't have to take a 1.5l water bottle with me when I go out.
I finally got my month's wages from work today (£199 - 40 hours) so I can finally get a couple of things I've been meaning to sort for a while now. I can get the new Paramore...

Everything was going so right. It hadn't in awhile. Now....i don't know....today was just...bad? I wanted to cry so many time, i scratched so many times, i starved myself, and i fought with most of the people i care about; which isn't many. So, now i feel empty and tired and lonely. I just want to sleep but i can't...i want to sleep forever but then i'd miss out on so much.

I wonder if i'm the only one. The only one feeling this way. Well, not knowing what to feel. Should i be happy or should i be sad? Should i keep doing what i do to myself or should i stop? Perhaps, i know the answer. Or i already do and i'm just ignoring it because i'm so use to this pain i feel everyday. Maybe, i am just alone. Even if i am, i should get use to it....

Rosie

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