Apparently is the state of being unable to choose between two opposing courses of action. Which right now, fits me perfectly.

On the one hand, get fit, get well, be healthy, stop self-harming, do peer employment training, get a job. On the other hand . . . light fires, cut deep, just eat less, look for stuff to blow up, sleep too much, or spend all night on the internet . . .

I literally can't make the choice between working towards recovery or staying mentally unwell....

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Why can't people be happy with what they have? Like a guy looking at another girl when he has a girl. Or a girl looking at another guy when she has a guy. It makes no sense. If your not happy with them, move the fuck on instead of being a total dipshit. Men just can't be happy with 1 girl. They gotta have a bunch. Freaking mother nature, thinking you're all that. Mother nature is a bitch.

Well, I better add in some OTHER stuff from the rest of the week that's not so depressing.

So today is Leisa's birthday. I spent most of Monday planning a drawing, and most of Tuesday completing said drawing. I wanted to give her something nice, because she does so much for me. So I drew a picture and coloured it pretty, and paper-clipped a little happy birthday note to the back. I gave it to her yesterday. (She's off work today because they get a paid day off on their birthdays.)...

Have you ever not been sure if you were suppose to be happy or sad or stressed? Because recently, i've felt that way. I have almost every reason to be happy but, my family just...drags me back down. I love them yet i constantly feel they don't love me as much. What kind of a family calls their daughter or sister fat? I don't mean to complain. It helps typing my thoughts out sometimes...maybe, i am a little fat...i don't know...all i see when i look in the mirror is the flaws. Why can't i ever be...

So... Last Friday, I did things with my boyfriend. I don't really like specifying on this stuff. But, we weren't really smart about things. But, now I have to wait 2 weeks to take a damn pregnancy test. I got my friend to buy it for me since I can't really get out of the house. He got a 2 pack. So,I guess that's a good thing? To double check, right? If I'm not pregnant... Wow, I would be so thankful. If I am, I will be so suicidal. No joke. My mom would freaking kill me. With my luck......

I'm so sad that my sister was looking through my phone one day. I got paranoid and deleted the pictures I took of the cuts on my thighs. They were fresh. Bloody. New. And I needed to remember what was there since I can never ever cut there again now that my mom is going to be seeing my thighs Wednesay. I wish I didn't delete those pictures because now they're fading and that's sad to me. I liked just staring at it. I wish I could cut there some more. And my arms and everywhere. Is it so bad that...

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For the last few days, it really feels like autumn. Yay for April, and morning temperatures attempting to be below 10C. It's so nice to be complaining to myself about the cold instead of the heat.

This morning I decided to text Rowena to ask when a good time to come in and say hi to everybody would be. She said either Wednesday or Friday, and asked if I would judge Fun Fest. I said yes. I've been secretly hoping to be asked to judge Fun Fest, it gives me a whole day in the gym, and...

I had a better day today. Dyed my sisters hair, watched some Disney movies, made beaded necklaces. It was like i was a kid again. How i miss the innocence.