Back To My Old Habits...

So, I went back towhat I do best...The things that I stopped for a bit, but I can't handle this anymore...It scares me because I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong. I'm depressed, and I don't want to sleep. But I have to sleep so I can get through work. My best friend lives with me, and she told me that I need professional help, so she is pretty much saying that I'm fucked up in the head. And sorry if my mood changes all of a sudden...I didn't sleep much last night. I really don't know what to do anymore. Continue cutting, or act like nothing is wrong. Because the more I act like nothing is wrong, the worse everything gets, but if I keep cutting, Somebody other than Lexi or Avery is going to find out. I hate these stupid thoughts going through my head, and I'm taking caffine pills because I'm tired of the nightmares. I really have no idea whats going on at the moment, but my mom doesn't notice, and I have to act like I'm fine at work so I can keep the stupid job. I'm really hating myself at the moment, and frankly, I have no idea what else to do but to sit and and rant to myself, and then realize later that somebody else is probably gonna read it. But fuck, I guess I can't really stop myself, because as I'm sitting here, my head continues to say words, and my fingers just go across the keyboard. Oh well. No pausing, no problem I guess. Other than when I stop to answer my phone...Ugh. I feel sick. Probably from the caffine pills. I started taking them last night, and I believe they are fucking with my head. Who knows. I sure as hell don't. Wow, I'm cussing alot. Oh well. Who really gives a shit? Go ahead. Yell at me for it. I really don't care at the moment. The only thing I really want to do at the moment is grab my blade and go to the bathroom to take a bath so that I can place it to where only the people who see me naked will see them. I already have too many. About 14 or so too many to be exact. It's horrible, and I know it, but for some reason, I don't want to stop, even though I know I should. And I kinda want to cry, but what good will that do? Nothing. At all. Lexi made me cry this morning. She is making me feel like there is this huge problem with me, like I'm fucked up or something. But she's really just going to make everything worse if she doesn't stop. She'll probably drive me to the point where I do what I want to do at the moment in front of her. Ugh. I'm tired. Don't wanna sleep. Wanna text Avery. Need to stay up and do my homework, but of course I'm not going to, and I'll probably go to sleep after Avery does...Oh well. ...