Jan. 18,2013 Journal Entry

I miss it. The release. It's the best feeling I've ever had. It made me feel sane. That I was okay. It made me feel safe. The pain was gone and I no longer had to deal with it. Only for a little while though. It made me feel good, relaxed, and calm. I could go on like nothing happened. The only thing I had to worry about was the cuts and scars. Sometimes I wish I never stopped. It was my way to let my feelings out. I wasn't hurting anyone. I loved it. It never hurt. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I never wanted it to end. The only thing I didn't like was the panic attacks. I still have them. The only difference is that now the only way they'll end is when I fall asleep. I even liked feeling nothing. The only time I felt was when I wanted to. I had control unlike now. I'm a mess. I get overemotional and very protective. I hate it. I guess Dr.Phil is right when he says that your emotional level can stop growing and decrease. I think that's what happened to me. I wish it was like before when I chose where and when I felt. I liked walking around like a zombie. Nothing bothered me and no matter what happened I was fine and could deal with it later. It gave me hope. The idea of knowing I could go somewhere alone have a release. now I have nothing. I can tell I'm happier with others but alone I still feel the same.