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Sex Positive Safety Talk
Posted September 28th 2013 at 11:08 AM by Mahray
So here it is. The Sex Positive Safety Talk. A little of the basic philosophy behind it first.
Sex is wonderful! Sex is fun, and funny (hilarious sometimes), and life-affirming, and great! But sex can also have some serious drawbacks. The idea behind staying safe is to have the fun and awesome and wonderful side of sex and avoid the pitfalls.
So here’s some of the problems you can encounter. I’m not talking about positions and acts much here, not the right venue. Just some of what you want to avoid.
Consent
This one is important. Really really important. That’s why it’s right here at the top.
You have the right and the expectation to consent to absolutely fucking everything that goes on with your body. If you don’t feel entirely comfortable, you should say no and expect it to be heard. Partners don’t always listen, so be prepared to be forceful. Worse case? Throw up on them. Stick a finger down your throat and hurl. That’ll get you out of the situation.
At the point where he’s about to stick his penis in you and you feel worried? Tell him to stop. Kick him in the balls if you have to. Consent is not a once only thing, it’s continual. You should be checking with yourself and your partner before anything new, and each time. Once you’re in a longer relationship, you can do it quickly and subtly, but it needs to be there all the time.
Same applies to your partner, if s/he doesn’t want to do something then you don’t force them.
I’m not saying don’t try anything new (in fact, try all sorts of things at least once!) But don’t get caught into thinking that it will end up ok. If you don’t feel completely comfortable, then don’t do it!
Make your expectations on consent clear at the start. If you feel anything wrong, leave. Don’t wait around. Don’t think that s/he’ll change either, they won’t. You have the absolute right to decide what happens with your body.
There is no timeline that you should be following. You do things whenever you’re ready. With different partners, that may happen at different times. That’s perfectly ok!
Oh, and don’t look to porn for hints. Commercial mainstream porn is not like real sex at all. You shouldn’t expect to do anal all the time, blowjobs are not compulsory (but are nice), and those positions? They don’t always work without a hell of a lot of flexibility and people helping out.
Physical Dangers
Ok, there are a couple of ways in which you can run into physical harm. Let’s run through the more important ones.
Pregnancy
This is one of the big ones. Basically, anytime a guy’s penis gets near your vagina, there is a risk that some sperm-containing semen will end up inside you. You also have to watch out for things like being fingered after he’s masturbated to orgasm. Prevention for this is birth control.
Birth control options
Abstinence is the first one. Simply don’t have sex at all. Not exactly useful though.
Second is to avoid any PIV sex and enjoy everything else on the menu. That can be pretty good!
If you are having PIV sex (or anything close to it), then you need to be on birth control. Basically, there are a bunch of pills and the implant. Can be difficult to access without parents knowing, but the pill is often used to help regulate hormones and periods even if someone isn’t sexually active.
As well as the pill whenever you’re engaging in PIV sex the guy needs to be wearing a condom. There are many many options there, different styles and sizes, so there will be something that he can wear and still feel good. Now technically, the pill by itself (or implant) is fairly effective, but you don’t really want to take risks - and there are other reasons.
With condom use - make sure he’s putting it on properly (that can be fun to help with). Also make sure that once you’re done, he pulls it off and disposes of in the bin. Don’t try to flush it down the toilet, it will either block the pipes or just float around on the top and be really obvious. Generally, tie a knot in it with the semen in the tip. Don’t ever reuse a condom, and you can always switch after a while if you need to. They’re not expensive, and it’s often worth you having some on hand in case.
Oh, and condoms have an expiry date. Pay attention to it.
Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)
It’s the new name for STDs, because they’re not all disease causing agents. Basically, unless you and your partner test clean (and generally over a couple of tests a few months apart), you need to be taking precautions. Condoms, again, are a big one. A condom will protect against most STIs in the important ways. Basically, until you’ve both been tested, use a condom every time his penis goes near your vagina. Oral sex can also cause transmission, so ideally you’d be using a condom for oral as well or a dental dam (basically like a sheet of plastic).
The tl;dr version? You’re not only having sex with her (or him), but everyone they’ve ever had sex with. Testing isn’t particularly expensive, but again you need to think about who would find out. If you can’t get tested, don’t risk it! Don’t think I’m serious? Google chlamydia, among others. Stupidly high infection rates amongst young people, and it doesn’t have visible symptoms. Can fuck with fertility though, among other problems.
Sexual Assault
I’m throwing this one in the physical risks. It comes down to consent again. If you don’t say yes, or if you say no and they don’t stop? It’s sexual assault. Sometimes it can get violent, sometimes it’s just about the control thing (most domestic violence is about power and control).
Bruises, scratches, bites etc
These can be really fun. Problem is, when you end up with a nice hickey on your neck? Scratches down your back? Other people might notice. Plus, sometimes it hurts. Now, if you find out you like a bit of pain during sex? Go for it! Do some research, set up some safe words, and have fun. Just be aware of possible consequences.
Pain during first intercourse
Basically, there’s this myth out there that PIV sex for the first time should hurt the girl. Complete bullshit. If it hurts a lot? You’re doing it wrong. This is about preparation, being turned on enough, lubricating if needed, and taking it slow and easy. A little blood can happen because of tears as the vagina stretches more than it’s used to, but if it hurts? Stop. There’s no rush.
Emotional Dangers
Sex is... different for different people. For some, sex is about love. Without love, there isn’t sex. The other end of the spectrum is sex is just sex, nothing more. Most people will fall somewhere in the middle, sex is enjoyable past-time but there should be some sort of relationship there (from marriage to fuck-buddy and anything in between).
Sending stuff
The basic rule is - if you take pictures or anything and send them to someone else, you’re trusting them for life. Not saying don’t do it (in fact, it can be really hot), but be very very aware. Of particular importance are the laws around age and sending or receiving images. Things like snapchat seem good, but there are always ways of keeping an image. Always.
Rumours
Rumours can spread. Sometimes they’re real, sometimes not. My personal philosophy? Two or more consenting adults fucking? Entirely up to them. But other people, not so much. So be aware that your partner might tell, or someone else might. Shouldn’t stop you, but you do need to be aware.
Breaking up
Most relationships won’t last. Some last a little while, others for a long time. A few will last forever. But most of the time, you’ll end up breaking up. You don’t always get a say about the timing, and you can’t control your partner’s reaction. What you can do is be prepared and, frankly, accepting. It’s likely to happen, it’s likely to happen a lot, and you need to be ready. They can get rough, but you will survive and be able to move on. There are all sorts of things you can do to help yourself through a breakup. Rebound sex is not always a good idea!
Miscommunication
Miscommunication kills. In terms of sex and relationship, it won’t necessarily kill you, but it can cause all sorts of grief. Talk to your partner, openly. Talk about everything. Communicate a lot! Talk about what works for you, what turns you on, what turns you off. Communicate during sex. It doesn’t have to be dirty talk, but you do need to communicate what you’re feeling and what you want, as well as listening.
Summary
That’s about it. Let’s recap the basics.
1. You have the right to say no to anything, at any time, and have that decision respected.
2. You need to be really careful anytime a penis goes near a vagina.
3. Condoms help stop STI transmission as well. If you’re doing things with another girl, then you can still get an STI.
4. Have fun! Human bodies work wonderfully well for sex, so enjoy yourself in all sorts of ways.
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