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i'm fine.. (trig)

Posted November 21st 2013 at 04:56 AM by Lumos.

Well, the title is a lie. i say that lie so many times a day. i wish i could just lay in bed all the time because that seems to help me.

all i've been doing recently at night after i get home and my mom is at work it just either laying in bed or sitting on the couch. sometimes i have a movie or music on but i never pay attention. i just lay there feeling numb and then i finally just break. i break down and just start sobbing. i've never been this low before and its scaring me what

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Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 447 Comments 1 Lumos. is offline

sigh (trig)

Posted October 14th 2013 at 02:55 AM by Lumos.

i feel so worthless right now.. i cut again yesterday and i hate myself so much for that but then i also want to cut again. i have been feeling so shitty the past couple days, and no one but best friend has noticed. my best friend has cut this week as well and i'm worried about her. her mom took away her phone yesterday (i don't know why yet) but i just hope that she won't again or worse. And i'm like 8 hours away from her, i miss her already.
i keep going between thinking that i want to...

Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 413 Comments 1 Lumos. is offline

....(triggering and strong language)

Posted October 7th 2013 at 01:44 AM by Lumos.

well i went to homecoming yesterday

I fucking hate homecoming so much.. I started to have a panic attack the second i walked in there, so we went and got soda then went to the back of the event center where the dance was being held. At least i had my friends with me. Then we just sat in the back and talked, mostly about how much we hated the dance, and pointed out who were wearing slutty dresses. Then a bit of time past and we got bored. Then some of my friend (lets call her A) friends...

Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 370 Comments 1 Lumos. is offline

Downhill. (triggering)

Posted October 5th 2013 at 07:52 PM by Lumos.

Once again for a while I thought i was doing alright, then i went straight downhill. I was happy and was doing good in school, i made friends. Then I went down, lower than i've been in a while.
I have cut twice in about a month, deeper than i'd gone in a while, and then a couple days ago the suicidal thoughts started again. Last night was my lowest point in almost a year. Every second I thought of something i could do that second to kill myself i thought of things...

Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 364 Comments 0 Lumos. is offline

another relapse (trig)

Posted September 14th 2013 at 12:29 AM by Lumos.

i relapsed again yesterday.. i feel pathetic because i had made it through the other urges the couple days before that, and then i gave up. i missed it though. honestly i want to do it again today. i know i shouldn't but today was such a shitty day. Had a panic attack because of too much noise at school. Happened quite a lot recently, like all the sudden i can't take all the people talking and laughing at once and i freak out.. then got called fat slut on the bus yesterday, which didn't help me

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Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 347 Comments 0 Lumos. is offline

nightmares (trig)

Posted August 21st 2013 at 03:47 AM by Lumos.

well here i am again. writing another blog post that no one cares about.

The ups and downs are getting worse, some days my thoughts race and i can't think and i hear a lot of voices at once in my head, taunting me, bullying me. telling me that no one cares, and no one wants me to be around, that i'm ugly and worthless. Other days, i don't want to do anything don't want to get out of bed or talk to anyone. the voices are still there just one at a time and softer, telling me if i

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Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 359 Comments 0 Lumos. is offline

(triggering and strong language)

Posted July 31st 2013 at 05:43 AM by Lumos.

i really have no clue how to even explain how i feel,i just need to get it out. today i've been suicidal all day, the thoughts and voices won't stop screaming at me. All i want to do is end it, i was seriously considering it earlier. I don't really know whats stopping me honestly. its not like i'm gonna make it anywhere in my life. I'll never be good enough for anything. if i continue on this way it'll be fucking pointless. No one really wants me around in my life.

i've fallen back

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Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 400 Comments 1 Lumos. is offline

relapse. (triggering)

Posted July 9th 2013 at 04:35 AM by Lumos.

I relapsed 15 minutes ago.. The urges got to me. Couldn't handle the voices.. i was trying not to, but then i broke down and was crying, and i gave in.. Cut a bit deeper than i meant, hope its not too deep. I can't stand that i gave in.. Hate myself even more. Just wanted the voices to stop, they did but not for long. Now i'm sitting here in tears, wishing i wasn't so fucking stupid, and ugly.
Can't tell anyone except TH that i relapsed.. if anyone knew, especially my best friend i would

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Lumos.

Used to be Don'tForget

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 406 Comments 3 Lumos. is offline