Implications (probably triggering/strong language)

Well, it's been a while. I missed TH hopefully I'll be on more...

I'd been doing okay-ish (okay enough i guess). I have so much mental bullshit going on at all times I don't even think that I coulit's d be doing better than okay. Its all just fucking debilitating. I'd been making it through, i'll put it that way. Today suddenly though, i'm drowning. I haven't felt like this in months. My urges are through the roof, worse than they've been in ages. so bad that i wish i could just give in. I don't even care about the implications right now. Not that my girlfriend would be pissed and disappointed, and i would be breaking promises, and that i would have to tell my mom that i relapsed, and that i would once again be caught in the cycle of self-harming, or that i would have to wear long sleeves to work. None of it. I just want to fucking self harm.
It feels like i'm being burned from the inside out, and the only way to put out the fire would be to do it. i know that the urge will pass but i almost dont want it to. I want to just give in, i miss it. its been all too long. I wish there were no implications and i could just do it. That would be the easiest. I wish no one cared sometimes so i could just give in to my mentality and do what it wants me to do so it would be over.

Sometimes i wish that no one cared about me so that i could just self harm and go back to all of my destructive behaviors and no one would say shit. I could just give in and then i'd feel better. And then finally i could just be done with everything and then i could end up kiling myself and everything would be okay. Why do I want that so much.... Fuck.


This urge is going to kill me... It would be so much better if i could just give in...