another relapse (trig)

i relapsed again yesterday.. i feel pathetic because i had made it through the other urges the couple days before that, and then i gave up. i missed it though. honestly i want to do it again today. i know i shouldn't but today was such a shitty day. Had a panic attack because of too much noise at school. Happened quite a lot recently, like all the sudden i can't take all the people talking and laughing at once and i freak out.. then got called fat slut on the bus yesterday, which didn't help me at all. and people kept asking me personal questions today and i snapped at a few people.. everything just seemed too much today. all of my classes today went by so slow but now that i'm home i'd rather be at school. my mom is annoying me. so all together with more urges i really want to cut. i don't even think i care about it, recovering, right now. i just need something to keep me sane while i fall deeper into this whole of mental illness. I thought i was getting better but I guess the depression is coming back. it feels like it at least, and i really don't know what to do. i'm beginning to shut everyone out again, TH and sometimes on tumblr is the only places when i don't really hide anything.

I'm losing touch and drifting away from old friends, and it makes me sad because they used to be part of my life and i know soon, i won't give them a second thought..

feeling so horrid right now
i don't really know what to do other than fall back into old habits so i guess here we go again