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Downhill. (triggering)
Posted October 5th 2013 at 08:52 PM by Lumos.
Once again for a while I thought i was doing alright, then i went straight downhill. I was happy and was doing good in school, i made friends. Then I went down, lower than i've been in a while.
I have cut twice in about a month, deeper than i'd gone in a while, and then a couple days ago the suicidal thoughts started again. Last night was my lowest point in almost a year. Every second I thought of something i could do that second to kill myself i thought of things to do before i killed myself, i thought of what my last words to people would be. I had to try and talk myself out of it every couple seconds.
The voices came back when i was at dinner with my mother and one of her "friends" . I got up and went to the restroom and just sat on the floor in the public restroom and started crying. That has got to be one of my lowest points ever, i hated the feeling that i was sitting in a fucking public washroom balling my eyes out and a stranger could have walked in at any moment. After around 10 minutes i went back and pretended that everything was fine. Went home and sat there on my computer felt so shitty. I just wanted to go and cut up my arms and legs and let the blood run down, i wanted the calm of cutting. I needed it. I still do, but i have made another promise to my friend.. Thinking about just cutting and not telling her. I need to, i realized that in the past years its been the thing thats kept me alive but now my friend is wanting me to stop and theres nothing thats gonna keep me sane.
I don't care anymore. i want to just get it over with already. people continue to tell me everything will get better, but i'm starting to think thats bullshit. I truthfully, don't see myself living past high school. I really don't. I have no clue what i'd do with my live, i'd just be a waste of space. I actually don't think i'll live past this year of school. I can't handle this anymore. Sorry that i'm a fucking failure
I have cut twice in about a month, deeper than i'd gone in a while, and then a couple days ago the suicidal thoughts started again. Last night was my lowest point in almost a year. Every second I thought of something i could do that second to kill myself i thought of things to do before i killed myself, i thought of what my last words to people would be. I had to try and talk myself out of it every couple seconds.
The voices came back when i was at dinner with my mother and one of her "friends" . I got up and went to the restroom and just sat on the floor in the public restroom and started crying. That has got to be one of my lowest points ever, i hated the feeling that i was sitting in a fucking public washroom balling my eyes out and a stranger could have walked in at any moment. After around 10 minutes i went back and pretended that everything was fine. Went home and sat there on my computer felt so shitty. I just wanted to go and cut up my arms and legs and let the blood run down, i wanted the calm of cutting. I needed it. I still do, but i have made another promise to my friend.. Thinking about just cutting and not telling her. I need to, i realized that in the past years its been the thing thats kept me alive but now my friend is wanting me to stop and theres nothing thats gonna keep me sane.
I don't care anymore. i want to just get it over with already. people continue to tell me everything will get better, but i'm starting to think thats bullshit. I truthfully, don't see myself living past high school. I really don't. I have no clue what i'd do with my live, i'd just be a waste of space. I actually don't think i'll live past this year of school. I can't handle this anymore. Sorry that i'm a fucking failure
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