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Old

Birds.

Posted March 24th 2011 at 07:01 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck


I feel so detatched. Distant. I've just cleaned the living room, kitchen and hall and taken out the recycling in less than half an hour. I lit a candle in the living room. Opened the window. I can hear the birds. Things are probably so much easier when you're a bird. There's a lot less to think about. I bet birds don't go about whacking their wings off of random chimneys when they get upset. Birds probably eat their weight in food everyday and don't care. Why can't life be that simple for
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Llama Lover/Skittle Minion
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Old

Forgotten the taste and smell of the world that she's left behind.

Posted March 24th 2011 at 01:11 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

More nightmares. Kept jumping and waking up. Heart racing. Scared. Half crying. Dreamt that the one person I trust the most tried to kill me.
Want to hurt. Just want to cut so deep that the blood doesn't stop until I'm unconscious. Unable to think. Or remember. Didn't take the Prozac last night. Only have 2 left now. Can't see my doctor for more until next week. Oh well.
I feel so numb. Someone said something to me last night that triggered me so much. Or was that a dream.
I
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Llama Lover/Skittle Minion
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Old

Hmph. (trig)

Posted March 22nd 2011 at 02:51 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Had a horrible night. Nightmares. Causing more family problems. Being attacked. Crying. Scared.
Got up. Gained weight since Thursday. I'm so angry with myself.
It's because of Saturday night. Because I ate this morning. Because I'm so stupid and far too dependant on food.
Hazel kept calling me "skinny" yesterday. "Wish I was as skinny as you." She has no idea what that even means. Just because I'm a little smaller than she is doesn't make me "skinny".
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Old

Hiding.

Posted March 21st 2011 at 10:44 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Sitting in the college library again. Hiding. Saw head of the dept. at reception this morning, she might have been asking them to call me to see if I was coming in.
The bus driver decided to drive past me this morning. I walked out of the bus shelter when he came up the hill and waited by the road for him to stop. He just stared at me and kept driving. Wow, thanks.
So I get to be late. I'm sat in the library because I'm nearly an hour late already and break is in 20 minutes. I'll go
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Old

Can't do this today. (Trig)

Posted March 21st 2011 at 08:53 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Can't deal with this today. Please don't make me deal with this today.
But if I don't go in, I'll be kicked off the course. I feel so sick. Already cut. Want to more. Except these new blades. I like the pain. I love the blood. But I really hate the slicing feeling.
Need to get over it. Need more. I WANT TO BLEED UNTIL I CAN'T ANYMORE.
Leaving later. Will probably be late for college. Don't even know what room I'm supposed to be in. Fml.
I hate this. I can't deal with
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Old

Rant. Rant. Rant.

Posted March 20th 2011 at 02:57 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Panicking about tomorrow. I have to go into college.
Shona told me last week that if I'm not in tomorrow for this assessment then I can't do the course.
I don't even know what this assessment is about. 500 words about what happened when I talked to Kerry about bringing the guides in to sing war songs to the residents? WTF? I didn't even USE 500 words when I explained it to her. It was a short conversation.
"Part of my placement is to organise an activity that's centred
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Old

...

Posted March 18th 2011 at 08:36 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Have to leave in 15 minutes. Still in bed. Can't deal with placement. But I can't stay home again. Want to cut more. Got blood everywhere last night. Felt so good. More. Deeper.
Don't want to do this. Keep thinking about overdosing again. Just to get out of it.
Need to get over myself. Just do it, dammit. Get up and go. Stop thinking about it.
So pathetic.
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Old

The Way She Feels (trig)

Posted March 17th 2011 at 11:33 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Then she closed her eyes
found relief in a knife
the blood flows as she cries.


Got a craft knife yesterday. Looked sharp. Came with 6 replacement blades. But it doesn't work.
I sat in the shower. Running it repeatedly over the same spot. Digging deeper. And it didn't work.
WHY WON'T IT BLEED MORE.
Why can't I make it bleed more.
Guess I'll just have to keep trying.
Done with everything. Want to drink and overdose and cut.
I'm
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Old

Fairytales vs. Reality

Posted March 16th 2011 at 07:20 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck



Somewhere too far for us to find
forgotten the taste and smell
of the world that she's left behind.


I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm stuck at a dead end with nowhere to go. I need to get out of here for a while. But everyone seems so set against me studying in England. My tutor thinks I'm not well enough. My dad thinks it's stupid.
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Old

Urgh.

Posted March 16th 2011 at 03:57 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck

Met with Shona and Ann this morning. Was a waste of time. Shona kept saying that I'm not well and need to get better before I can do another course at college. I told her I want to move to England to study psychology and got a lecture on how pointless that would be.
I've already decided I want to go. I need to get away. I need to live my own life the way I want to. I'm sick of taking the safe option. I want to take some risks and benefit from them. I really think I could do better when I'm
...
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