Today

It’s today! In half an hour I’m heading to my rheumatology appointment. I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I keep telling myself that they’ll just tell me nothing is wrong. Even though I feel like this pain isn’t normal. The physiotherapist gave up. She was obviously relieved when I told her I had a rheumatology appointment because I didn’t have to be her problem anymore. She did her usual thing of pressing on my back, which did nothing but make me jump away from her hands and try not to yell out because it hurt so much. But because it wasn’t the same kind of pain I get when I sit down for too long, she decided it must be the way I’m sitting and I should try pelvic floor exercises. Then she said to see what the rheumatologist said and call them if I want another appointment after that. I don’t. Physiotherapy has never been useful and generally causes me more pain rather than improving the pain I already have.

I’m both cautiously hopeful that getting a diagnosis either today or in a follow-up appointment later will mean I can definitively know this is what is wrong and this is how we’ll deal with it. But I’m also scared. I’m only 24 and in 18 months I can see such a huge difference in what I could do back then, and what I can do now. I only thought of it this morning but it scares me how much I’m not able to do in such a short period of time. I don’t want to be labelled with something so life changing. I don’t want to deal with what will come with that label. But what good is living like this with no answer and therefore no way to fix it? My study year has started, I can’t keep coming home and going to bed, I need the energy to study and do work on here. Instead I’m just tired all the time. A solution to that alone would be a great step forward.

In other news, the rheumatologist wanted me to bring a urine sample. I have no idea why but that was an interesting experience.
Me: Okay, put the pot under here and...
Body: Let’s pee in this direction instead!

TMI but whatever.