Checking Out

I went back to the doctor on Thursday. She got me to take off my jacket and scarf and felt my neck and shoulders. She tried to pull my shoulders back, which hurt like hell, and then said that the muscles have all completely seized up so she's not surprised I'm in so much pain and struggling to move. It's also no wonder the Diazepam wasn't working. So she's more than doubled the dose, warned me not to drive when taking it, and told me to call the physio team again to let them know I had to go back to my GP and get my dose upped. She also said to tell them I'd accept a cancellation or short notice appointment if it meant I'd get seen sooner.
So I called the physio people on Wednesday afternoon and found out that when I went through the whole phone questionnaire the first time, despite telling them I couldn't move or walk properly and nothing was helping the pain, they put me on a list for a routine appointment. So the chances are I'd have been waiting weeks, maybe months, before getting an appointment. I spoke to one of the physiotherapists on the phone and answered her questions and she got me on the urgent list so I have an appointment on the 16th.

In the meantime, I just feel like crap. Every time I move during the night it wakes me up because the pain is so intense down my right side. Thankfully I have a day bed so I can use the bars on one side to help pull myself into a sitting position and that's a bit easier for me to roll over. Tonight I have the pleasure of pain in my back when I breathe, which is just excellent because it's not like I can just stop breathing for a while until it goes away.

I'm frustrated that I can't live my normal life. I can't drive if I can't move my head and I'll be charged if I'm caught driving under the influence of Diazepam. I can't do my job properly either which annoys the fuck out of me. Filing is something I'm supposed to do every day. But I can't even do that because A. I can't handle the bending and stretching to reach the files at different heights. And B. This stupid valium is making me so fuzzy I can't remember the freaking alphabet. I was trying to alphebatise some paperwork for filing this week and had to keep singing that stupid, god-awful alphabet song to remember which order the letters go in. I ended up standing there laughing at the stupidity of it all. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.
The absence files are getting really big because it's almost the end of the year so we have almost 12 months of paperwork in there. Kate is concerned about me lifting them out of the cabinet they're in to add paperwork to them so there's another part of my job I have to watch.

I just hate it all. I hate being told that I can't do things or that I need to be careful with the simplest tasks. I don't like relying on people and I hate that I have to ask for help with such small things.

I had half a 500ml bottle of peach cider tonight. I like having some fruity cider on the weekends. But that's totally fucked me because now I can't take any Diazepam. It's such a normal thing for me to do that it never occurred to me I shouldn't have a drink tonight. Mum's offered me some of her cocodamol so I might take her up on that. My aunt offered me some of hers too but hers are like industrial strength. You could knock out a horse with that shit. But she has a trapped nerve or something that they can't do anything about so no wonder she needs them.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I've made a patchwork bear for my mum which I'm pretty pleased with. Hopefully it's not too bad tomorrow so I won't be all moody and miserable with her.
I don't mean to be rude and sarcastic with people, I really don't. I feel that bad right now that I just don't care so if I've offended you at any point, I apologise, and please don't take it to heart. I'm a moody bitch when I'm in pain and that's a kind of 24/7 thing at the moment.