When Christmas Comes to Town

It's December 10th and I'm just not in the mood. I'm really struggling to feel festive this year. I've done all my shopping, wrapped my presents, written out my cards. I've gone through the motions but I just don't feel very festive. Jan and I decorated the reception on the last Friday of November, and that was exciting. But not as much as it normally would be. I mean, I decorate my room for Christmas as early as mid-November sometimes. This year I still haven't done it, though I'm planning to do it this weekend. I'm going through the motions but it just doesn't feel the same. It's not going to be the same. Not without him.

The HR team invited me along to their team Christmas lunch on Thursday, which is lovely, and I'm going. But I sort of feel... almost like I don't fit. I can't really explain it. My job is mainly HR, I spend most of my time logging absences and flagging up people who hit absence triggers to the HR team. I work quite closely with them and run various reports from the employee database for them. I must have a knack for that system or something because I seem to be their go-to girl when they need something or have a problem with it. Not that I mind in the slightest, I love being able to help and get such a sense of satisfaction when they email back saying it's sorted or I did it right. But I suppose maybe because most of our communication is by phone or email, I'm at the opposite end of the building from HR so in that sense we don't work closely. I feel sort of outside. It's really hard to explain.

I've been thinking lately that the psychiatrist who noticed I wasn't making eye contact and suggested I might have social anxiety was only half right. I can go out and do things, I go to see films at the cinema on my own, but I think I do have a more general anxiety because I get very worked up about things. Take last week. On Wednesday afternoon my manager was frustrated that I hadn't done something the way I was supposed to. I was due to meet with her on Monday. I barely slept, had nightmares, and felt completely sick for the entire weekend because I knew I'd let her down and I was worried about our meeting. It was completely fine and didn't even come up, so it was obviously not that big a deal. But it just kind of brought it home that that level of panic for me over little things is normal. I've been having nightmares about the Christmas lunch, for crying out loud. About not having paid the restaurant (done) or forgetting to take the list of everyone's orders with me, or getting there and they've given our table away. It feels really pathetic.

I came to a realisation on Saturday that has made a difference to how I see things. I was out with my mum and this man stopped us and handed us a leaflet. It was a picture, with a bit missing in the middle like a jigsaw piece, we thought it was some kind of treasure hunt for kids or something. But he was talking about God. What he said really hit home, he said that it doesn't matter if it's Abraham, or Jesus, or Allah, or Buddah. It's still God and it doesn't matter what religion you belong to. Religion doesn't even come into it, that's not important, it's belief in God that matters and knowing that he's there for you if you need him. I've been really struggling with my faith for a long time now, nearly ten years, not really knowing what I believed. I didn't want to not believe in God in case I went to Hell, but I didn't want to choose to believe in him out of fear of going to Hell and nothing else. I've labelled myself Agnostic just because it was the only thing that seemed to fit. But this man helped me realise, it's not believing in God I have a problem with. I don't believe in, or agree with, religion. There's a difference and you don't have to believe in both. Hearing him say that was like a confirmation that yes, it IS okay to believe in God but not be going to church every week. It's a very personal choice and it's taken me a long time to figure it out. When my grandad was dying, all the way to the hospital I repeated the Hail Mary in my head, like a mantra, it calmed me down and gave me something to focus on. When I felt like I was going to break down I repeated it, over and over, and it helped. I still cried, but it definitely helped. Kind of like putting antiseptic cream on a wound. It still hurts a lot, but the cream numbs it a little for you. I started to understand a bit then that my belief in God was still there. It wasn't until we met this man in the street, in the wind and pouring rain, and he talked to us so honestly in a way that very few religious people will, it just cleared everything up for me. Religion doesn't matter, it's your faith in God that counts.

I'm not all converted and saved and singing holy holy to God, nothing has changed there. I'm still not going to church apart from at Christmas and Easter. But I feel a lot more at peace with myself now. A huge weight has been lifted, and that weight has been there for a long time.