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Don't Believe Them
Posted September 24th 2014 at 03:40 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Don't listen to those adults. The ones who laugh and tell you there are no monsters under your bed. It's just your imagination.
I completely cleared out under my bed today for the first time in years. It was mostly old bits of paper, books, CDs, things from school and college. About 25 socks somehow found their way under there as well. It was going good, since I haven't needed anything under there for years, I obviously don't need them so I threw most of it out. There weren't even any spiders.
But then I found an envelope. One of those ones that have bubblewrap lining it to protect whatever's inside. It was full of letters from my first relationship. Love letters. Christmas letters. Letters to accompany gifts. I forgot I had that envelope. I put it under my bed years ago because I couldn't face it and didn't know what else to do with it. Today I read every letter in that envelope. It reminded me that the relationship was good, at least for the first year or so before things started going wrong. When we broke up I told myself it was for the best, I focussed on all the negatives of that relationship and convinced myself it was best for both of us. Those letters told a different story. I even found notebooks with letters I had written to her and never sent. Then I found the bad letter. She was having a bad day and wrote me a suicide note. In it she said she hoped I would find someone who loved me, who I loved, and who would make me happy.
Felt like I'd been stabbed.
I did find someone. I did love her and I was happy and I lost it because I was too busy worrying about the future to focus on what was right in front of me. Things are happening with both of us that we should have been together for. We should have been celebrating these events as a couple and not as two friends awkwardly navigating the line between friendship and inappropriate.
Or maybe that's just me.
Maybe it's just me who's drinking at night and sitting up till the wee hours trying to decide if I'm sober enough to make a rational decision on whether to be honest with her or not. Eventually I end up deciding there's no point, because as much as I can spend each day praying and wishing for it, nothing would change. Eventually I dreamed I had sent that message and she told me she never wanted to speak to me again.
I'm clearing my room, picking out new furniture, planning driving lessons and what car to get, changing banks, thinking ahead and doing everything but thinking about what I feel in this moment. The fact I didn't really cry much at the time is catching up with me fast. I wish the numbness had lasted until this didn't hurt anymore.
All this from finding an envelope under my bed.
I think I'd have preferred the spiders.
I completely cleared out under my bed today for the first time in years. It was mostly old bits of paper, books, CDs, things from school and college. About 25 socks somehow found their way under there as well. It was going good, since I haven't needed anything under there for years, I obviously don't need them so I threw most of it out. There weren't even any spiders.
But then I found an envelope. One of those ones that have bubblewrap lining it to protect whatever's inside. It was full of letters from my first relationship. Love letters. Christmas letters. Letters to accompany gifts. I forgot I had that envelope. I put it under my bed years ago because I couldn't face it and didn't know what else to do with it. Today I read every letter in that envelope. It reminded me that the relationship was good, at least for the first year or so before things started going wrong. When we broke up I told myself it was for the best, I focussed on all the negatives of that relationship and convinced myself it was best for both of us. Those letters told a different story. I even found notebooks with letters I had written to her and never sent. Then I found the bad letter. She was having a bad day and wrote me a suicide note. In it she said she hoped I would find someone who loved me, who I loved, and who would make me happy.
Felt like I'd been stabbed.
I did find someone. I did love her and I was happy and I lost it because I was too busy worrying about the future to focus on what was right in front of me. Things are happening with both of us that we should have been together for. We should have been celebrating these events as a couple and not as two friends awkwardly navigating the line between friendship and inappropriate.
Or maybe that's just me.
Maybe it's just me who's drinking at night and sitting up till the wee hours trying to decide if I'm sober enough to make a rational decision on whether to be honest with her or not. Eventually I end up deciding there's no point, because as much as I can spend each day praying and wishing for it, nothing would change. Eventually I dreamed I had sent that message and she told me she never wanted to speak to me again.
I'm clearing my room, picking out new furniture, planning driving lessons and what car to get, changing banks, thinking ahead and doing everything but thinking about what I feel in this moment. The fact I didn't really cry much at the time is catching up with me fast. I wish the numbness had lasted until this didn't hurt anymore.
All this from finding an envelope under my bed.
I think I'd have preferred the spiders.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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Thinking of you. <3Posted September 25th 2014 at 12:25 PM by Storyteller.
