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Everybody needs someone to show them how
Posted April 23rd 2012 at 05:18 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
God I've been so depressing lately. My blogs are miserable. I had no one I could speak to about any of it so I guess this was the only place I had. It's different now. A girl I met in college over a year ago and who I've talked to a fair bit since then has been so amazing. She's texted me everyday, asking how I'm doing. Listening to me whine about being alone, not giving up on me and keeping me here. I can't thank her enough for that.
I spent a few hours with her on Saturday, my parents were going to the opening of a new playpark which was partly funded by my dad's company and she lives near there, so she came down and we sat and talked for a couple of hours.
I think that was the first time I've ever had someone who wasn't a doctor sit in front of me, look straight at me, and ask how I was feeling. It felt like the first time someone cared and I realised I had just been stupid up till then. The overdose was reckless. I got upset, threw some stuff around my room, and just took a handful of mixed pills. That was really stupid of me.
I should never, ever, let anyone have that kind of power of me. And my friend was right, if someone hurts me, I should never hurt myself more than they did. What good will that do?
Sure, not everything's perfect. I've started having nightmares and waking up a lot in the night, and I still wonder if I regret what happened. Overall though, I don't.
You learn from your mistakes in life. I'm not saying anything that happened was a mistake, more that it didn't work, and I can learn from that. A bit like if you try to make a cake and you don't really do anything wrong that you're aware of, but it just doesn't work out. You can be angry and upset for a while, but you can get over it. It's just another learning curve and you still have the experience so you can do better next time.
Yeah that was a really bad metaphor. But whatever.
I'm finally going to get my hair cut. I'm going to have it short and layered and the photo of the style I want is gorgeous. My hair's always bothered me because it's just plain and straight and boring. I want to be different and more exciting. Start wearing the clothes I like instead of trying to look more normal for everyone else.
I'm planning on going out to, what I've been told, is the "best gay bar in Glasgow" and honestly, I can't wait. It's about time I had some fun!
I'm planning my tattoo for when I get to a year self harm free, because I will get to a year, and no one is going to stop me. I'm not going to let anyone stop me.
The last blade hid in the back of my phone is gone. I have no more pills (this may or may not be because I took them all last week.
) and I have nothing that could possibly be a danger to me, or anyone else.
I'm going to finally clear out my room and get ready to paint it. It's going to be white with purple and teal butterflies and flowers painted on the walls. I'm going to get a fluffy teal rug for my floor and hopefully get a new bed. I'm going to put my desk in my cupboard, take away the doors and replace them with a curtain to cover the half my desk doesn't take up. I'm going to have some shelves put up for my books, DVDs and the word "DREAM" I have in big, purple letters.
I'm going to live my life and I'm not going to let anything hold me back anymore. There's no reason for me not to do what I want to. I'm going to catch up with my old friends from school, I'm going to reconsider whether or not to continue with brownies. I'm going to take up cross stitching properly as a hobby and save money by making things with it instead of buying useless things no one will ever need.
And with all of this, I'm going to have a bloody good time and I'm going to be happy.
Because what use is living life if it doesn't make you smile?
I spent a few hours with her on Saturday, my parents were going to the opening of a new playpark which was partly funded by my dad's company and she lives near there, so she came down and we sat and talked for a couple of hours.
I think that was the first time I've ever had someone who wasn't a doctor sit in front of me, look straight at me, and ask how I was feeling. It felt like the first time someone cared and I realised I had just been stupid up till then. The overdose was reckless. I got upset, threw some stuff around my room, and just took a handful of mixed pills. That was really stupid of me.
I should never, ever, let anyone have that kind of power of me. And my friend was right, if someone hurts me, I should never hurt myself more than they did. What good will that do?
Sure, not everything's perfect. I've started having nightmares and waking up a lot in the night, and I still wonder if I regret what happened. Overall though, I don't.
You learn from your mistakes in life. I'm not saying anything that happened was a mistake, more that it didn't work, and I can learn from that. A bit like if you try to make a cake and you don't really do anything wrong that you're aware of, but it just doesn't work out. You can be angry and upset for a while, but you can get over it. It's just another learning curve and you still have the experience so you can do better next time.
Yeah that was a really bad metaphor. But whatever.
I'm finally going to get my hair cut. I'm going to have it short and layered and the photo of the style I want is gorgeous. My hair's always bothered me because it's just plain and straight and boring. I want to be different and more exciting. Start wearing the clothes I like instead of trying to look more normal for everyone else.
I'm planning on going out to, what I've been told, is the "best gay bar in Glasgow" and honestly, I can't wait. It's about time I had some fun!
I'm planning my tattoo for when I get to a year self harm free, because I will get to a year, and no one is going to stop me. I'm not going to let anyone stop me.
The last blade hid in the back of my phone is gone. I have no more pills (this may or may not be because I took them all last week.
) and I have nothing that could possibly be a danger to me, or anyone else. I'm going to finally clear out my room and get ready to paint it. It's going to be white with purple and teal butterflies and flowers painted on the walls. I'm going to get a fluffy teal rug for my floor and hopefully get a new bed. I'm going to put my desk in my cupboard, take away the doors and replace them with a curtain to cover the half my desk doesn't take up. I'm going to have some shelves put up for my books, DVDs and the word "DREAM" I have in big, purple letters.
I'm going to live my life and I'm not going to let anything hold me back anymore. There's no reason for me not to do what I want to. I'm going to catch up with my old friends from school, I'm going to reconsider whether or not to continue with brownies. I'm going to take up cross stitching properly as a hobby and save money by making things with it instead of buying useless things no one will ever need.
And with all of this, I'm going to have a bloody good time and I'm going to be happy.
Because what use is living life if it doesn't make you smile?
Total Comments 2
Comments
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I'm pleased to hear that you are making positive changes in your life. This is such an inspiring Blog entry!
I really admire you for what you are doing.
Posted April 25th 2012 at 02:59 PM by Halcyon
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Really liked reading this blog i have to say. Cheered me up a lot! And i wanted to say that you're so freakin lucky to have a friend like that, i wish i could find someone like that! Don't lose her!!
Oh yeah...and hi :PPosted June 11th 2012 at 08:45 PM by Gemma.
