Just a rant that makes no sense

I don't know what in Hell is wrong with me today. The whole day I've just wanted to hide in my bed. Half of me wants someone there to not let me go and the other half wants to be completely alone so I can let everything out and no one will have to see it. I don't want anyone to see me that way. Ever.
People are always calling me cute and pretty. I doubt they'd say the same if they saw me with puffy eyes, soaking wet face and top, stuffy nose, screaming into my pillow and trying to remember any hiding places for things I haven't cleared out yet. I can't understand how after as long I still want this so badly. It's been over 9 months and I can still see it in my mind and I can almost feel it and I want it so badly but I can't be a disappointment to everyone. I can't let them all down.
[who says they need to know?] I keep getting headaches and thinking about getting some ibuprofen for it, but I can't trust myself with it and honestly, that just makes me feel so pathetic.
I have NO REASON to be unhappy. My life is going really well, things have been going the right way, so why am I feeling this way?
I don't know if it's just because I'm stressing so much about Friday that it's coming out in other ways. Everyone keeps telling me I can do it and it'll be okay. I really can't. I can't deal with being in a room with people who refuse to acknowledge my existence. Even if they did want anything to do with me, I could never forgive them. Not for the shit that happened to me, I really don't care about that anymore. I'm not over it but if I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me. What I can't forget about is A. the fact that they've just exiled my mum despite the fact that she's done NOTHING wrong. She's never done anything to them but they've just effectively kicked her out of the family. And B. Not long after my Papa died, I got an anonymous message asking what he would think of my "sinful relationship" Now I can't prove that was them, so being upset with them for that is unfair. But there's this niggling feeling that it was one of them and I was so hurt by that message, despite the fact that I know my Papa would love me no matter what and would fully accept me even if I did love a girl, they called it sinful. It's not sinful of me to love someone. I can't understand that at all. How people can go on about how their God loves everyone then set out conditions for that. Love has no conditions.

Actually, despite the fact that I'm not at all religious, a priest last week brought up a really good point. He said "If you can't accept the sign of peace (part of the mass when you shake hands with people and say "peace be with you") then should you accept the body of Christ? Should you?"
Now, I don't believe in religion, but I thought that was really interesting. Because doing one but not the other is completely hypocritical. Exactly like religious preaching that homosexuality is wrong.

Now that I've been sufficiently sidetracked...

Really though, Friday is going to be bad. I know it will be. I won't be able to leave the bar. No toilets, no food, no glass collecting. If I end up in front of one of them I'll just cry. As weak and pathetic as it makes me feel, I'm still afraid of them.
A week ago, I thought it'd be okay. I'm a healthy weight, cut free, you can only really see scars in bright light, and I can actually smile and mean it now. I was going to wear my shirt and skinny jeans, short sleeves, hair nice and looking pretty. Show them that they can't bother me. Right now I'm tempted to either go in baggy jeans and a big hoodie with my hair over my face, or just cancel and not go at all. Sadly the latter isn't possible and I doubt mum would let me away with the former.

Gahh. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I don't know if I'll need it or not but I really need to take a blade with me. There is no way I'll be able to get through the night without it. Even without using it, I feel safer having it on me just in case. I only have two left (that I know of) anyway.

God, why am I even apologising? I'm not talking to anyone, I just need to rant.
This is the only safe place I have to get things out. They can't find me here. Even if they do, only contacts can read this. I'm not stupid enough to accept someone I don't know.

KJDFSKMLJGKDF. Pull yourself together! For God's sake you have absolutely no reason to feel like this. Get over yourself and stop being so pathetic. No wonder none of your old friends talk to you anymore. Disappointment to everyone. Stop whining and get over it.