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I'm hungry. Someone feed me.
Posted February 23rd 2012 at 07:44 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Updated May 21st 2012 at 10:14 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Updated May 21st 2012 at 10:14 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Struggling to think straight. Struggling to breathe.
I've been so on edge since last night and it's scary. I keep imagining dark shapes out of the corner of my eye. Keep seeing my door move and then I look up and it's perfectly still. I jump at the slightest noise and just can't relax or feel comfortable. Last time I felt this way I just cut up my arms and legs a bit until I was calm enough to settle down and sleep.
I haven't been scared of the dark for 2 years now. I've been able to sleep in the dark. Now it scares me. But I can't sleep with the light on because that wakes me up. Bit of a circle really.
I'm running quickly out of reasons not to go back. I don't particularly want to, but it's comfortable, familiar. It's safe and calming. The stinging helps more than all the other distraction shit ever has. My mind keeps going through other things I can do. Burning or punching myself. Just so I can continue to say it's been over 6 months since I last cut myself. But I don't think anything will ever work quite as well as that did.
Saw the counsellor mum signed me up for yesterday. Dawn. She seems nice enough. Mum came in for 5 minutes to explain why she thought I should come and where she thought all that stemmed from. Then she went for a coffee while I spent the rest of the hour alone with a strange woman who kept staring at me. I told her I'd written a bit in my diary and I'd brought it with me to show her. But I couldn't bring myself to get it out and hand it over. What if she read the other pages? I rarely write in my diary. Only every few weeks or so when things seem really bad and I need an outlet. It's all so angry and negative. So she still doesn't actually know the main reason why I ended up there. Hopefully next week!
I tidied my room again today and no matter how many times I do it, I always come across empty/half empty pill packets, blades, bandages, dressings. I even found a knife behind my desk I didn't know about. I also found photos of an old friend. Nicole. We were really close for a year and got on so well, but then she moved to London and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. Just the occasional facebook message. We don't even exchange birthday messages and cards anymore. I miss her, but she's probably changed so much. Everything has.
Also, I was made to go to church last night on account of it being ash wednesday and not only did I get this shit put on my head, I was told I'm dust. Seriously. The guy smeared cold, itchy, black shit on my head and said "Remember man that thou art dust and into dust thy shall return." Well thanks, that really makes me feel fantastic. I mean really, dust! Well you're the man wearing a bloody dress.
I've been so on edge since last night and it's scary. I keep imagining dark shapes out of the corner of my eye. Keep seeing my door move and then I look up and it's perfectly still. I jump at the slightest noise and just can't relax or feel comfortable. Last time I felt this way I just cut up my arms and legs a bit until I was calm enough to settle down and sleep.
I haven't been scared of the dark for 2 years now. I've been able to sleep in the dark. Now it scares me. But I can't sleep with the light on because that wakes me up. Bit of a circle really.
I'm running quickly out of reasons not to go back. I don't particularly want to, but it's comfortable, familiar. It's safe and calming. The stinging helps more than all the other distraction shit ever has. My mind keeps going through other things I can do. Burning or punching myself. Just so I can continue to say it's been over 6 months since I last cut myself. But I don't think anything will ever work quite as well as that did.
Saw the counsellor mum signed me up for yesterday. Dawn. She seems nice enough. Mum came in for 5 minutes to explain why she thought I should come and where she thought all that stemmed from. Then she went for a coffee while I spent the rest of the hour alone with a strange woman who kept staring at me. I told her I'd written a bit in my diary and I'd brought it with me to show her. But I couldn't bring myself to get it out and hand it over. What if she read the other pages? I rarely write in my diary. Only every few weeks or so when things seem really bad and I need an outlet. It's all so angry and negative. So she still doesn't actually know the main reason why I ended up there. Hopefully next week!
I tidied my room again today and no matter how many times I do it, I always come across empty/half empty pill packets, blades, bandages, dressings. I even found a knife behind my desk I didn't know about. I also found photos of an old friend. Nicole. We were really close for a year and got on so well, but then she moved to London and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. Just the occasional facebook message. We don't even exchange birthday messages and cards anymore. I miss her, but she's probably changed so much. Everything has.
Also, I was made to go to church last night on account of it being ash wednesday and not only did I get this shit put on my head, I was told I'm dust. Seriously. The guy smeared cold, itchy, black shit on my head and said "Remember man that thou art dust and into dust thy shall return." Well thanks, that really makes me feel fantastic. I mean really, dust! Well you're the man wearing a bloody dress.
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