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That awkward moment when you find yourself trying to weightlift a gamecube. (probably triggering but I don't know)
Posted November 3rd 2011 at 10:54 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Needless to say it didn't work anyway. I'm sat back in my bed like the fatass I am despite having eaten far too much today. I think I've finally drilled it into my brain that I can't cut. But it seems that replacing those urges are now imulses to exercise and eat a ridiculous amount in order to "gain perfection"
I don't even know what that is yet. I keep noticing these imperfections in my reflection and it's really bothering me. My eyes are different sizes, my nostrils are huge, I have big ears, my thighs are massive, my stomach is fat. Logically, I know I'm being stupid. I know I'm a "healthy" weight for my height and there's nothing to be worried about. But I can't seem to accept that.
I had a really awful afternoon when, after eating a lot I felt sick to my stomach and found myself in the bathroom with a toothbrush down my throat. It didn't actually work, but that upset me more. I ended up curled up on the couch and eventually fell asleep. I don't know why I did that, I don't know what made me want to. It's not something I ever want to do again. It's a really horrible thought and I don't want to go through with it fully. But thinking back, a few years ago I'd have said the same about cutting. Back when I would just use plastic to make grazes on my wrist. They stung like hell but it was fine, because I'd never go as far as to break the skin and bleed. Right.
I'm really not sure what else to try tonight. I've tried talking, I've tried distractions, I've tried exercising, I've tried writing in my diary, I've tried blogging, I've tried games.
I'm supposed to be going to college to meet with my tutor tomorrow. I'm not sure how to explain anything to her, or if I will. She's really sweet and understanding, I just don't want to seem like the weakling in the class who can't handle it. I'm also supposed to make an appointment with support because I've been struggling to make it into class.
Tomorrow shall be a fun day. I need to see my doctor next week as well since I was meant to go back after 2 weeks and forgot. Whoops.
After college and brownies I think I'm just going to chill out for the weekend and try to sort myself out. Really need to get away from everyone for a few days, especially once the 21st comes around. I'll see if I can get to England around then for a couple of days since I'm completely dreading that day.
I'm supposed to be in college but I might just speak to my tutor and explain that I really don't think I can handle being in. I don't much fancy crying in the middle of class. We'll see.
Ah well. Since I started writing this like 2 hours ago, its safe to say I do feel a lot better now, though I'm still worrying about tomorrow. Ignore everything before this paragraph, I really had to rant and get everything out!
Have a good night, everybody!
I don't even know what that is yet. I keep noticing these imperfections in my reflection and it's really bothering me. My eyes are different sizes, my nostrils are huge, I have big ears, my thighs are massive, my stomach is fat. Logically, I know I'm being stupid. I know I'm a "healthy" weight for my height and there's nothing to be worried about. But I can't seem to accept that.
I had a really awful afternoon when, after eating a lot I felt sick to my stomach and found myself in the bathroom with a toothbrush down my throat. It didn't actually work, but that upset me more. I ended up curled up on the couch and eventually fell asleep. I don't know why I did that, I don't know what made me want to. It's not something I ever want to do again. It's a really horrible thought and I don't want to go through with it fully. But thinking back, a few years ago I'd have said the same about cutting. Back when I would just use plastic to make grazes on my wrist. They stung like hell but it was fine, because I'd never go as far as to break the skin and bleed. Right.
I'm really not sure what else to try tonight. I've tried talking, I've tried distractions, I've tried exercising, I've tried writing in my diary, I've tried blogging, I've tried games.
I'm supposed to be going to college to meet with my tutor tomorrow. I'm not sure how to explain anything to her, or if I will. She's really sweet and understanding, I just don't want to seem like the weakling in the class who can't handle it. I'm also supposed to make an appointment with support because I've been struggling to make it into class.
Tomorrow shall be a fun day. I need to see my doctor next week as well since I was meant to go back after 2 weeks and forgot. Whoops.
After college and brownies I think I'm just going to chill out for the weekend and try to sort myself out. Really need to get away from everyone for a few days, especially once the 21st comes around. I'll see if I can get to England around then for a couple of days since I'm completely dreading that day.
I'm supposed to be in college but I might just speak to my tutor and explain that I really don't think I can handle being in. I don't much fancy crying in the middle of class. We'll see.
Ah well. Since I started writing this like 2 hours ago, its safe to say I do feel a lot better now, though I'm still worrying about tomorrow. Ignore everything before this paragraph, I really had to rant and get everything out!
Have a good night, everybody!
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