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Meh (trig?)
Posted May 18th 2011 at 06:09 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Not having access to the internet has given me a lot to think about. I can't just distract myself with random things to read and learn about and watch.
It's made me think a lot about a girl I used to be friends with. She used to get angry with me for the smallest things, but she never told me. She just froze me out. She once stopped talking to me altogether for two weeks without telling me why. Every single time we had an argument I went crawling back, crying and apologising and coming up with every reason under the sun for it to be my fault even though most of them were ridiculous. It got to the point where I was afraid to step a toe out of line or argue with anything she said or say anything she might not like in case she got upset. And it just kind of developed, I'm like that with everyone now and in the past few days I've been thinking about it a lot and how it's probably something I should stop doing.
Thing is, though. The people I'm close to are the people I can't deal with losing, so if I did say maybe to Nicole at the time that I didn't like how she walked over me all the time and just expected me to go back and apologise and never be upset with her for anything, she probably would just get angry with me and I'd do it again. Which is what I can see happening now.
Feels like all I'm capable of doing lately is upsetting people. I upset my parents by being a screw up and always letting them down. I upset my brother by not being there for him enough and being too self centred to notice. I upset my girlfriend by being on the phone to another friend and not realising she'd texted me.
I've been collecting pills at any possible moment and am just waiting to be pushed over. Thought about taking them all last night, then realised they wouldn't kill me or do any real damage so I'm better waiting until I have more. It feels like everyone just wants to leave me and as selfish as this sounds, I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong for them to want to go. It probably has nothing to do with me in reality but inside my head it just makes such perfect sense that it must be me. Something I'm doing wrong. Something I've said or done.
Also, I think someone's been spiking my drinks because I am having some WEIRD dreams. The other night I was in a supermarket with lots of zombies, you could tell which were zombies because they were cheerleading. They wanted my yoghurt and I tried to negotiate with them but they turned me into one of them anyway and then I wanted milk.
My parents reckon there's a legitimate reason why I've been referred back to a psychiatrist... They might be right. 
Internet will be off soon. Looks like it's back to playing Harry Potter on my laptop. Woohoo.
It's made me think a lot about a girl I used to be friends with. She used to get angry with me for the smallest things, but she never told me. She just froze me out. She once stopped talking to me altogether for two weeks without telling me why. Every single time we had an argument I went crawling back, crying and apologising and coming up with every reason under the sun for it to be my fault even though most of them were ridiculous. It got to the point where I was afraid to step a toe out of line or argue with anything she said or say anything she might not like in case she got upset. And it just kind of developed, I'm like that with everyone now and in the past few days I've been thinking about it a lot and how it's probably something I should stop doing.
Thing is, though. The people I'm close to are the people I can't deal with losing, so if I did say maybe to Nicole at the time that I didn't like how she walked over me all the time and just expected me to go back and apologise and never be upset with her for anything, she probably would just get angry with me and I'd do it again. Which is what I can see happening now.
Feels like all I'm capable of doing lately is upsetting people. I upset my parents by being a screw up and always letting them down. I upset my brother by not being there for him enough and being too self centred to notice. I upset my girlfriend by being on the phone to another friend and not realising she'd texted me.
I've been collecting pills at any possible moment and am just waiting to be pushed over. Thought about taking them all last night, then realised they wouldn't kill me or do any real damage so I'm better waiting until I have more. It feels like everyone just wants to leave me and as selfish as this sounds, I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong for them to want to go. It probably has nothing to do with me in reality but inside my head it just makes such perfect sense that it must be me. Something I'm doing wrong. Something I've said or done.
Also, I think someone's been spiking my drinks because I am having some WEIRD dreams. The other night I was in a supermarket with lots of zombies, you could tell which were zombies because they were cheerleading. They wanted my yoghurt and I tried to negotiate with them but they turned me into one of them anyway and then I wanted milk.
My parents reckon there's a legitimate reason why I've been referred back to a psychiatrist... They might be right. Internet will be off soon. Looks like it's back to playing Harry Potter on my laptop. Woohoo.
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