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D: (trig?)
Posted May 12th 2011 at 06:08 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Have no idea what I'm doing or thinking. I'm trying so, so hard to be good. Haven't cut since Sunday, been eating at least 1 1/2 to 2 meals a day. I was more open with the doctor than I wanted to be. But it feels like the more I try, the lower my mood gets.
I thought eating more and cutting less and trying to fix everything would make me happy. But in reality it's making me more and more miserable and I can't really understand why. I really just want to shut myself away and hide from everyone. I'm trying not to but it's not been working out so well.
Told my parents that the reason I was being referred to a psychiatrist was so that I could talk about my weird dreams. Truth is, the doctor wants me to work out how everything started and find the reasons behind it all. It was four years ago. I told her that it was years ago so I couldn't remember everything that happened since then. Again, I lied. I can remember so much.
That day at the theme park, the last time I saw her, what happened with Ethan, the day she came in covered in cuts, that week in November, her faking the self harm and eating disorder, the lies about the boyfriends, the day she made me go to her house, that night I put the cocodamol in the alcohol to see what'd happen, the night at the pantomime, that day in March. All of it. I remember the night he told me I was pathetic for cutting. The times my parents said I was stupid, dirty, hopeless. It's all so clear and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it all. So much of it got to me a lot more than I realised. It makes me feel kind of pathetic but the stuff with Ethan scared the hell out of me. And it sounds so stupid because there are so many people who have had things like that, and worse, happened to them for real. And the fact that he was trying it not just with me but with my two friends who were 12/13 was just scary.
So I'm sat here applying for college again. Had to put under the disabilities thing "Mental health difficulties." Seriously considered not putting it down at all. But if they look at my attendance for this year then I'll have to explain to them why I was off so much and then could potentially not be accepted for lying on my application and then ticking the box to say that all the information was accurate. Hoping I can spend my time between now and August working on myself and finding ways to cope with getting up in the morning and being able to focus so I can actually pass the course if I get into it.
Buuuuut on the upside I'm also having times where I'm amazingly happy and realise how blessed I am to have such amazing and supportive family, friends and girlfriend. I couldn't ask for better and that makes me happy.
I thought eating more and cutting less and trying to fix everything would make me happy. But in reality it's making me more and more miserable and I can't really understand why. I really just want to shut myself away and hide from everyone. I'm trying not to but it's not been working out so well.
Told my parents that the reason I was being referred to a psychiatrist was so that I could talk about my weird dreams. Truth is, the doctor wants me to work out how everything started and find the reasons behind it all. It was four years ago. I told her that it was years ago so I couldn't remember everything that happened since then. Again, I lied. I can remember so much.
That day at the theme park, the last time I saw her, what happened with Ethan, the day she came in covered in cuts, that week in November, her faking the self harm and eating disorder, the lies about the boyfriends, the day she made me go to her house, that night I put the cocodamol in the alcohol to see what'd happen, the night at the pantomime, that day in March. All of it. I remember the night he told me I was pathetic for cutting. The times my parents said I was stupid, dirty, hopeless. It's all so clear and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it all. So much of it got to me a lot more than I realised. It makes me feel kind of pathetic but the stuff with Ethan scared the hell out of me. And it sounds so stupid because there are so many people who have had things like that, and worse, happened to them for real. And the fact that he was trying it not just with me but with my two friends who were 12/13 was just scary.
So I'm sat here applying for college again. Had to put under the disabilities thing "Mental health difficulties." Seriously considered not putting it down at all. But if they look at my attendance for this year then I'll have to explain to them why I was off so much and then could potentially not be accepted for lying on my application and then ticking the box to say that all the information was accurate. Hoping I can spend my time between now and August working on myself and finding ways to cope with getting up in the morning and being able to focus so I can actually pass the course if I get into it.
Buuuuut on the upside I'm also having times where I'm amazingly happy and realise how blessed I am to have such amazing and supportive family, friends and girlfriend. I couldn't ask for better and that makes me happy.
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