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A good thing?
Posted April 26th 2011 at 02:06 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
So I posted this on my Tumblr blog yesterday. (Here if anyone's interested)
I wanted to share it here because people who have seen it seem to think it's pretty positive. Which I guess it is. But we'll see.
Today, for a short while, I honestly believed that I was going to lose the one person I love more than anything. It scared all Hell out of me and I’ve never felt so broken than I did in that time. I realised that while I am trying, I’m not trying to get any better medically, I’m trying to get better at hiding it. And honestly, there’s no way I can help make things any easier for her if I’m just being stupid with myself. I just took my Fluoxetine for the first time in 3 days or so. Disgusting or not, I’m going to have to get used to it. In two weeks I’ll go to get an appointment with Dr. G and ask him (her?) about going to speak to a counsellor. I’ve decided that when I’m home alone I will have breakfast and I will eat with my parents at night. At college I’ll have lunch with my friends. I’ll try to eat before and after placement and take a drink with me so I don’t get dizzy when I’m there anymore. The ibuprofen is going back into the kitchen cupboard. I’m going to try not to buy anymore blades. This is for real. It has to stop. If I can do this then I’m hoping I’ll be more motivated to do easier things. Like finding a job. Saving the money I need to get the laptop I want. But I have decided that I’m not getting that unless I stick to this. If I fuck up, it’s not happening. I’m turning my own stubbornness against me. Hoping that after a year, all going well, I’ll have a good paying job that I can use to support myself so I can move out. I’m hoping that while I’m doing this and taking my gap year from college, I can work out what I want to do with my life.
Seeing as the only thing I’m sure about is that I want to spend my life with my fiancé, I’m not really sure what I want to do in terms of a career. I can’t help wondering how many kids leave school saying “I want to work in Asda when I grow up!” or “I can’t wait to start working in KFC!” but you get so many saying “I want to be teacher!” “I want to be a writer!” “I want to be a musician!” and those are the ones who end up in dead end jobs because they just can’t make it in the career they dreamed of. I’m not sure if I can make it as a counsellor. I’m not sure I could handle doing a 3-4 year degree in Psychology in order to do that. I can’t deal with monotony. I couldn’t study the same thing for so long. I need variety, which is why I wanted to be a counsellor since they deal with everything from mild paranoia and anxiety to full blown, serious mental health disorders that can threaten lives. So maybe there will be something else for me, maybe I’ll grit my teeth and make it through the monotony of studying psychology for a few years.
I’ve also decided to keep writing. Go back to all the stories I wrote and edit them. Make them longer. Better. Put them together into two separate short story books. One as creepy, supernatural stories for kids and one for teens that deal with supernatural fiction crossed in some ways with love, abuse, self harm, etc. I like the ideas behind my stories, I just need to take time to improve them and take them to the publishing company in Edinburgh. Might ask my girl to come with me then. At least then if that goes well, my parents will have something to be proud of. Maybe so will she.
Think I’ve rambled enough about random shit now. Whole point is, I want to try and fix everything in my life that I’ve fucked up with my own stupidity. I want to be able to talk about things I’ve been trying to ignore. Is that even possible?
Either way, I’m going to try. In the nicest way possible, I hope I don’t have to see my usual doctor when she comes back next year, I want to be independently taking care of myself by then. Taking care of myself and my girl. Because I love her and owe her at least that after everything she’s done. <3
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