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Hm. (trig)
Posted April 10th 2011 at 01:26 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I don't know what's going through my head most of the time.
I'm scared to tell people how I'm feeling because their problems are so much worse than my supposed ones. I don't want to upset or worry anyone over something that isn't worth a second thought.
I don't like to tell my doctor when it gets worse because I worry she'll think I'm looking for attention. I worry that's what I am doing.
Maybe there's really no problems and I'm just stupid.
Maybe I didn't kill her and I'm just looking for reasons to blame myself. I was 13. Too superstitious.
I don't know why I stopped eating that week. It just felt amazing. Pushing myself further. Finally realising I could lose weight from it. Starting to set targets and feeling like shit when I went over XXXkcal a day.
I can't remember why I cut that first time. I didn't know her that well, so why get so upset? Maybe it was because of what L said.
Don't know why it continued. Why it started getting worse. Why I paid so much attention to what my family said to me. And about me.
"You're an awful queerie, you know that?" I like to read. I don't enjoy parties with lots of people and I don't like loud and drunken singing. I prefer to write. Apparently this makes me weird.
"You need to stop being so depressing and learn to be happy." I used to write things instead of saying them. Instead of cutting. I used it to get everything out. My cousin stole my notebook and read it. Told people. Apparently I was being too depressing. So I stopped.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't being watched 24/7. It's not something that bothers me that much. I accepted it a long time ago. I've always had little rituals and become a bit more obsessed with symmetry and even numbers in the past year or so. I've always had to censor my thoughts because other people could hear them. Gotten used to shouting really loudly in my head to see if anyone reacted.
Because it was after the stuff with my family that I finally spoke to someone about it, they told me it was just trauma and I'd get over it.
I keep remembering parts of my childhood. Just random things. Like when my parents left me in the dark in my room saying that I could come out when I'd "apologised to Baby Jesus" (A friend once told me this was like having sex like a monkey. Not illegal but just totally wrong in every way.)
When I was in my room playing a game. I kept getting frustrated because I couldn't get past a certain part and kept being beaten. I lost again and heard laughter. Ran downstairs to find mum. Told her I had a headache. Didn't want to go back upstairs because I was so convinced something was there because I heard it laughing at me when I lost. It was male laughter and I don't think my dad was home.
Just a couple of years ago at most I woke up. My bed used to be beside my window, the bottom of my bed faced the mirror wardrobe. I woke up and couldn't move a muscle. I kept trying to sit up but I just couldn't. In the mirror I could see this person above my head. This girl in a really intricate skirt. She had a little basket in her hands. She was throwing something that looked like confetti over me but it disappeared before it reached me. I tried to cover my eyes but I could still see her. I closed my eyes and when I opened them she was gone, but she just kind of drifted back. Eventually I closed my eyes for as long as I dared to and when I opened them she was gone for good. It really scared me and I never did work out whether it was like a waking dream or something. I know I was awake. I've been awake and unable to move before, when I'm dreaming I can tell and some part of my brain invents something to change it.
I'm so tired all the time. I want to feel awake. Alive. Something other than numbness.
I haven't been taking my pills, and I know I should be. If I'm honest, I don't trust myself to stop at one. Dreamt I overdosed on them and woke up thinking it was real. What if I do overdose and then I don't wake up from it? What if I do something and it is real? I've only missed about 4 days altogether when I've had them and 5 days in the week I ran out. I know that has to stop now.
Everything does.
I need to sleep.
Make this stop for a while?
I'm scared to tell people how I'm feeling because their problems are so much worse than my supposed ones. I don't want to upset or worry anyone over something that isn't worth a second thought.
I don't like to tell my doctor when it gets worse because I worry she'll think I'm looking for attention. I worry that's what I am doing.
Maybe there's really no problems and I'm just stupid.
Maybe I didn't kill her and I'm just looking for reasons to blame myself. I was 13. Too superstitious.
I don't know why I stopped eating that week. It just felt amazing. Pushing myself further. Finally realising I could lose weight from it. Starting to set targets and feeling like shit when I went over XXXkcal a day.
I can't remember why I cut that first time. I didn't know her that well, so why get so upset? Maybe it was because of what L said.
Don't know why it continued. Why it started getting worse. Why I paid so much attention to what my family said to me. And about me.
"You're an awful queerie, you know that?" I like to read. I don't enjoy parties with lots of people and I don't like loud and drunken singing. I prefer to write. Apparently this makes me weird.
"You need to stop being so depressing and learn to be happy." I used to write things instead of saying them. Instead of cutting. I used it to get everything out. My cousin stole my notebook and read it. Told people. Apparently I was being too depressing. So I stopped.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't being watched 24/7. It's not something that bothers me that much. I accepted it a long time ago. I've always had little rituals and become a bit more obsessed with symmetry and even numbers in the past year or so. I've always had to censor my thoughts because other people could hear them. Gotten used to shouting really loudly in my head to see if anyone reacted.
Because it was after the stuff with my family that I finally spoke to someone about it, they told me it was just trauma and I'd get over it.
I keep remembering parts of my childhood. Just random things. Like when my parents left me in the dark in my room saying that I could come out when I'd "apologised to Baby Jesus" (A friend once told me this was like having sex like a monkey. Not illegal but just totally wrong in every way.)
When I was in my room playing a game. I kept getting frustrated because I couldn't get past a certain part and kept being beaten. I lost again and heard laughter. Ran downstairs to find mum. Told her I had a headache. Didn't want to go back upstairs because I was so convinced something was there because I heard it laughing at me when I lost. It was male laughter and I don't think my dad was home.
Just a couple of years ago at most I woke up. My bed used to be beside my window, the bottom of my bed faced the mirror wardrobe. I woke up and couldn't move a muscle. I kept trying to sit up but I just couldn't. In the mirror I could see this person above my head. This girl in a really intricate skirt. She had a little basket in her hands. She was throwing something that looked like confetti over me but it disappeared before it reached me. I tried to cover my eyes but I could still see her. I closed my eyes and when I opened them she was gone, but she just kind of drifted back. Eventually I closed my eyes for as long as I dared to and when I opened them she was gone for good. It really scared me and I never did work out whether it was like a waking dream or something. I know I was awake. I've been awake and unable to move before, when I'm dreaming I can tell and some part of my brain invents something to change it.
I'm so tired all the time. I want to feel awake. Alive. Something other than numbness.
I haven't been taking my pills, and I know I should be. If I'm honest, I don't trust myself to stop at one. Dreamt I overdosed on them and woke up thinking it was real. What if I do overdose and then I don't wake up from it? What if I do something and it is real? I've only missed about 4 days altogether when I've had them and 5 days in the week I ran out. I know that has to stop now.
Everything does.
I need to sleep.
Make this stop for a while?
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