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Whatever. (trig)
Posted April 9th 2011 at 09:08 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Saw my doctor yesterday. Was a mess before I left. Couldn't stop crying, eventually attacked my arm with a blade and just put my jacket on. Was too hot so I sat there with my jacket sitting over my arm. Was the only one on the bus, when I checked my arm was a mess and had blood smeared everywhere. Sat with my jacket covering it in front of my doctor while she said that it was her last day until February because she's off on maternity leave. Recommended Doctor G and said that if the pills were working then I would only have to be on them for about three months. Told me to go back before I ran out.
I sat there and told her everything was fine. I was okay. Family was fine. I'm feeling a lot better. No scary thoughts. Just nightmares but I can handle them. She believed me, wished me luck and showed me out.
Heard my parents talking when dad got home. He told mum that her constantly emailing me job applications was driving me nuts and she got upset. "Well bugger it then, she can do it herself!"
Dad started going on about kicking me out. Said to just let me "wander the streets with the rest of the tramps"
I basically argued with them about it later and they brought up going on holiday. Asked if I'd be coming in the pool. Told them I'd sit beside the pool and read or something but I won't go in the water. Mum said something about how it's a family holiday and she doesn't like that her daughter is "so badly scarred" that she won't come in the pool. It hasn't occurred to them that maybe I just don't want to swim. I had heard them saying that getting me a laptop was the worst thing they ever did. That it ruined their lives. It saved mine but I doubt that's important.
If I'm such a burden to them why am I even still here? All I could think about while they were talking to me was to just make them let me go. Just get me out of that room so I could cut and drink and overdose and die. Pity they kept me so long that by the time they had finished I had to go to work.
Got home and was so exhausted I just went to bed. I need to get out of here. Only thing keeping me going is my trip to England next week. I need to get away from them for a while and just leave everything behind.
Sick of the tears and the thoughts. I feel so unstable. Not safe. Won't be until I'm back in her arms. At least then she can physically stop me from being stupid.
Not sure about after that. Can't handle coming home and being so alone again. Not that I even have a choice.
Urgh. Grow up. You need to get over this already. God. It's not going to get better anytime soon so just get the Hell over it.
Idiot.
I sat there and told her everything was fine. I was okay. Family was fine. I'm feeling a lot better. No scary thoughts. Just nightmares but I can handle them. She believed me, wished me luck and showed me out.
Heard my parents talking when dad got home. He told mum that her constantly emailing me job applications was driving me nuts and she got upset. "Well bugger it then, she can do it herself!"
Dad started going on about kicking me out. Said to just let me "wander the streets with the rest of the tramps"
I basically argued with them about it later and they brought up going on holiday. Asked if I'd be coming in the pool. Told them I'd sit beside the pool and read or something but I won't go in the water. Mum said something about how it's a family holiday and she doesn't like that her daughter is "so badly scarred" that she won't come in the pool. It hasn't occurred to them that maybe I just don't want to swim. I had heard them saying that getting me a laptop was the worst thing they ever did. That it ruined their lives. It saved mine but I doubt that's important.
If I'm such a burden to them why am I even still here? All I could think about while they were talking to me was to just make them let me go. Just get me out of that room so I could cut and drink and overdose and die. Pity they kept me so long that by the time they had finished I had to go to work.
Got home and was so exhausted I just went to bed. I need to get out of here. Only thing keeping me going is my trip to England next week. I need to get away from them for a while and just leave everything behind.
Sick of the tears and the thoughts. I feel so unstable. Not safe. Won't be until I'm back in her arms. At least then she can physically stop me from being stupid.
Not sure about after that. Can't handle coming home and being so alone again. Not that I even have a choice.
Urgh. Grow up. You need to get over this already. God. It's not going to get better anytime soon so just get the Hell over it.
Idiot.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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I love you so much. <3Posted April 9th 2011 at 09:11 PM by Bibliophile
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I really wish I could make everything better for you because you deserve so much more than all of this, you really do. I'm here for you if you ever need anyone. You're worth so much Nat. Stay strong, you can do this xxxxPosted April 9th 2011 at 09:12 PM by Palmolive
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I love you nat, and Like jess, I'm here for you. you are not an idiot <3 xxxPosted April 9th 2011 at 09:28 PM by Nomophobia
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Nat, I am so sorry things are this rough for you.
You are an amazing person. Keep fighting. You can do this<3Posted April 9th 2011 at 09:59 PM by Just Peachy.
