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Small things. (trig)
Posted April 3rd 2011 at 07:33 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Today's been hard. Pulled in to serve at church. Stupid mistake that everyone saw. Just wanted to cut. Had to stop myself from saying it out loud.
Work for 5 hours. So slow. Quiet. Spent most of that time sat on a stool staring at the wall.
Got home and dad reheated dinner. He came into the living room not long after I finished and started shouting and yelling at me for not taking my plate through yet. Apparently I knew he was putting the dishwasher on and deliberately didn't take my plate through because I'm such a lazy fuck up.
Sat back in the living room trying not to cry. Trying not to get the blade out my pocket and slash myself to pieces.
Finally got the chance to be alone in my room and just lost it. Turned on my laptop and broke down completely. Its been so long since that happened. Couldn't make it stop. Just clung onto Pubes and Bear and let it stop on it's own. Finally calmed down enough to breathe properly. Don't feel any better. I'm so tired. I want to fall asleep and a big part of me doesn't want to wake up.
I want to be alone to cry and drink and overdose and cut. I just want a night of self destruction before I have to go out and face the world again. I'm not letting anything stop me this time. No stupid thoughts about having an exam tomorrow and needing a clear mind for it. Fuck that. I'm failing college and there's no way I'll pass now. Everyone knows it.
I feel like people come to me for advice. So many times I've found ways to keep people back from suicide. Keep them back from danger and take a step back and reach out for help. It's just what I do when I have nothing else to do. Sometimes it feels like I need saving too. But I don't deserve that. I should hurt. I should die. I should feel like this. It's all punishment for ignoring that cry for help. My first close up experience of suicidal thoughts. It's punishment for killing her all those years ago. It's punishment for being such a selfish brat all the time. For being so stupid and fat and incapable of doing anything right.
So pathetic.
So done.
Work for 5 hours. So slow. Quiet. Spent most of that time sat on a stool staring at the wall.
Got home and dad reheated dinner. He came into the living room not long after I finished and started shouting and yelling at me for not taking my plate through yet. Apparently I knew he was putting the dishwasher on and deliberately didn't take my plate through because I'm such a lazy fuck up.
Sat back in the living room trying not to cry. Trying not to get the blade out my pocket and slash myself to pieces.
Finally got the chance to be alone in my room and just lost it. Turned on my laptop and broke down completely. Its been so long since that happened. Couldn't make it stop. Just clung onto Pubes and Bear and let it stop on it's own. Finally calmed down enough to breathe properly. Don't feel any better. I'm so tired. I want to fall asleep and a big part of me doesn't want to wake up.
I want to be alone to cry and drink and overdose and cut. I just want a night of self destruction before I have to go out and face the world again. I'm not letting anything stop me this time. No stupid thoughts about having an exam tomorrow and needing a clear mind for it. Fuck that. I'm failing college and there's no way I'll pass now. Everyone knows it.
I feel like people come to me for advice. So many times I've found ways to keep people back from suicide. Keep them back from danger and take a step back and reach out for help. It's just what I do when I have nothing else to do. Sometimes it feels like I need saving too. But I don't deserve that. I should hurt. I should die. I should feel like this. It's all punishment for ignoring that cry for help. My first close up experience of suicidal thoughts. It's punishment for killing her all those years ago. It's punishment for being such a selfish brat all the time. For being so stupid and fat and incapable of doing anything right.
So pathetic.
So done.
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