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Forgotten the taste and smell of the world that she's left behind.
Posted March 24th 2011 at 12:11 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
More nightmares. Kept jumping and waking up. Heart racing. Scared. Half crying. Dreamt that the one person I trust the most tried to kill me.
Want to hurt. Just want to cut so deep that the blood doesn't stop until I'm unconscious. Unable to think. Or remember. Didn't take the Prozac last night. Only have 2 left now. Can't see my doctor for more until next week. Oh well.
I feel so numb. Someone said something to me last night that triggered me so much. Or was that a dream.
I don't know the difference between dreams and reality anymore and it scares me. I wake up crying, thinking I'm never going to see my parents again. Wondering why the person I love wanted me dead. Realising I've caused more problems in the family. I question myself constantly. Did that really happen? I don't know anymore.
I don't see the point in reaching out. Asking for help. Telling someone I'm really not okay. It won't change anything. It won't stop me.
I'm going nowhere in life. I'm failing college. I can't get a job. I sleep constantly. My room is worse than ever. There's no motivation for anything. There's no point. I have to keep stopping myself from asking mum if we're going to Papa's at the weekend. I'm still not over losing him. I'm not dealing with it. At all. The only reason I bother with anything is because people seem to think they need me. I don't want to let anyone else down. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care. They don't "need" me. They want to spare themselves the guilt of thinking whatever happens to me was their fault. I feel so detached and numb. Emotionless. Like I don't care about anything and I know how mean I'm sounding but I just can't bring myself to care.
I'm so convinced that behind the smiles and kind words everyone hates me. Secretly want me dead so I'm not bothering them with my pathetic existence anymore. There's only one reason I'm even trying to make anything work. The idea of losing her makes me want to curl up and die so I don't have to face it. Don't have to deal with losing anyone else. No one knows enough about what's going on to stop me.
Why should they care. I don't.
Want to hurt. Just want to cut so deep that the blood doesn't stop until I'm unconscious. Unable to think. Or remember. Didn't take the Prozac last night. Only have 2 left now. Can't see my doctor for more until next week. Oh well.
I feel so numb. Someone said something to me last night that triggered me so much. Or was that a dream.
I don't know the difference between dreams and reality anymore and it scares me. I wake up crying, thinking I'm never going to see my parents again. Wondering why the person I love wanted me dead. Realising I've caused more problems in the family. I question myself constantly. Did that really happen? I don't know anymore.
I don't see the point in reaching out. Asking for help. Telling someone I'm really not okay. It won't change anything. It won't stop me.
I'm going nowhere in life. I'm failing college. I can't get a job. I sleep constantly. My room is worse than ever. There's no motivation for anything. There's no point. I have to keep stopping myself from asking mum if we're going to Papa's at the weekend. I'm still not over losing him. I'm not dealing with it. At all. The only reason I bother with anything is because people seem to think they need me. I don't want to let anyone else down. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care. They don't "need" me. They want to spare themselves the guilt of thinking whatever happens to me was their fault. I feel so detached and numb. Emotionless. Like I don't care about anything and I know how mean I'm sounding but I just can't bring myself to care.
I'm so convinced that behind the smiles and kind words everyone hates me. Secretly want me dead so I'm not bothering them with my pathetic existence anymore. There's only one reason I'm even trying to make anything work. The idea of losing her makes me want to curl up and die so I don't have to face it. Don't have to deal with losing anyone else. No one knows enough about what's going on to stop me.
Why should they care. I don't.
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