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Too much
Posted March 14th 2011 at 10:07 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I feel so stupid. Sitting in the college library, I don't want to be here. At all. Only way I could handle staying is with a sharp object. A very sharp object. But I didn't bring anything with me. I'm trying to get by the want need to always have something sharp with me.
This is so ridiculous. I'm only at college ONE day per week and I can't even handle that. I keep thinkIng about walking out. Goig into Hamilton. Maybe to the cinema. Anything to keep me busy and distracted. Holding off until after lunch and walking the five or so miles home. Took me over two hours last time. That might have been because of the really heavy snow and the fact we kept stopping at bus shelters to rest. It was so cold it hurt. I wanted to lay down in the snow and cry. At least this time it's just wind and rain. Could get the bus to Hamilton, wander around for a couple of hours. Maybe job-hunt. Get some hot chocolate, bus back to college and walk home.
God, this is so fucking pathetic. It's ONE DAY at college and I can't even handle that. I'm cold and hungry and exhausted. I want to hurt. I want to walk in front of a bus and forget the world. I want to cut deep, overdose and play in traffic. This is pathetic. College is making me want to die. I'm thinking of suicide just to avoid one day at college. Or maybe I'm just afraid of being told that two days at placement have been arranged. I'm too cowardly to speak to Shona and tell her I can't handle two days in that place. I feel so stupid and lazy. But it's not laziness. I just really can't handle being around people and have no idea how to combat it. She said it was a good idea to take a year off when I finish this course to sort myself out and gain some confidence. She said she could see how scared I looked at the thought of coming in. I'm just scared if I tell her it's getting worse, she'll lose her patience with me. I can't deal with people being mad at me.
This is all so stupid. I need to get over myself.
This is so ridiculous. I'm only at college ONE day per week and I can't even handle that. I keep thinkIng about walking out. Goig into Hamilton. Maybe to the cinema. Anything to keep me busy and distracted. Holding off until after lunch and walking the five or so miles home. Took me over two hours last time. That might have been because of the really heavy snow and the fact we kept stopping at bus shelters to rest. It was so cold it hurt. I wanted to lay down in the snow and cry. At least this time it's just wind and rain. Could get the bus to Hamilton, wander around for a couple of hours. Maybe job-hunt. Get some hot chocolate, bus back to college and walk home.
God, this is so fucking pathetic. It's ONE DAY at college and I can't even handle that. I'm cold and hungry and exhausted. I want to hurt. I want to walk in front of a bus and forget the world. I want to cut deep, overdose and play in traffic. This is pathetic. College is making me want to die. I'm thinking of suicide just to avoid one day at college. Or maybe I'm just afraid of being told that two days at placement have been arranged. I'm too cowardly to speak to Shona and tell her I can't handle two days in that place. I feel so stupid and lazy. But it's not laziness. I just really can't handle being around people and have no idea how to combat it. She said it was a good idea to take a year off when I finish this course to sort myself out and gain some confidence. She said she could see how scared I looked at the thought of coming in. I'm just scared if I tell her it's getting worse, she'll lose her patience with me. I can't deal with people being mad at me.
This is all so stupid. I need to get over myself.
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