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Nightmares (trig: abuse)
Posted March 13th 2011 at 09:02 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I'm such a wreck today. I was working from just after 7 last night until around midnight/1am at the bar. It was a charity function and it was really busy so I was exhausted. Didn't sleep till around 3am and my parents dragged me up to go to church this morning (Cause you know, I'm so religious and everything. 
)
Had a horrible dream about L last night. I haven't seen him in over a year and I stopped going to the parties and stuff because he was starting to really scare me. But he was in my dream last night. He was telling me he wanted me to forgive him and all he wanted was to make me happy. He was on top of me and wouldn't get his hands off.
I kept shouting and he refused to let me go. My mum came in then, for some reason, and took him into another room for a drink while I lay on a bed and stared at the wall. Then it was Christmas and I was sitting with my Papa to my right then my mum, aunt and a couple of others, maybe my brother. There were two tears running down my Papa's face and my dad wasn't there. I asked were he was and was told that he wanted to be alone to grieve on the first Christmas since my Papa died. My brother got upset and I hugged him and then woke up crying. Both dreams together just pushed me over and left me shaking.
I do my best not to think about L. The last time I saw him, I came home and had a long shower, scrubbing every inch of me, especially parts that had contact with him and then lay on the bathroom floor crying for ages. I know it wasn't really his fault and he didn't realise how much he scared me. But the fact is, he did. And it's been going on since I was about 10. I panicked a few months ago because I thought I saw him in college and kept thinking about all the times he managed to corner me. I really loved working with that group but until he isn't in it anymore, I refuse to go back and officially join it. That sounds kind of mean. But he's too obsessed with me, I can't be around him and feel safe. Enough is enough when it gets to the stage that you have your pre-teen brother with you coming over and saying mum wants me or he wants to go outside and needs me to come with him just so I can get away from L. He was so sweet, he always offered to keep an eye out and get me out of the way if he saw L coming, and if he couldn't he always found a reason for me to have to go. I don't think I ever really thanked him for that.
I guess I'm just scared of meeting him somewhere. In town like I have before. Him shouting "HI SOPHIE!" across the street or in a shop. Why did he even call me that? I'm not Sophie. I loved the name when I was younger, but now I can't stand it. I'd never call my child that. Just because it reminds me of him. (No offence to anyone who might be called Sophie, feel free to bash my name if you like. 
)
I'm scared. I can't handle having to think about him again. I had enough bad dreams and nights spent feeling scared and unsafe when I was seeing him every few months.
The thought of seeing him again makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry. I can't imagine how awful it must be for people who have been raped or anything close to that. I don't even want to think about if it got anywhere near that far. Hug would be nice if anyone has a spare one.
) Had a horrible dream about L last night. I haven't seen him in over a year and I stopped going to the parties and stuff because he was starting to really scare me. But he was in my dream last night. He was telling me he wanted me to forgive him and all he wanted was to make me happy. He was on top of me and wouldn't get his hands off.
I kept shouting and he refused to let me go. My mum came in then, for some reason, and took him into another room for a drink while I lay on a bed and stared at the wall. Then it was Christmas and I was sitting with my Papa to my right then my mum, aunt and a couple of others, maybe my brother. There were two tears running down my Papa's face and my dad wasn't there. I asked were he was and was told that he wanted to be alone to grieve on the first Christmas since my Papa died. My brother got upset and I hugged him and then woke up crying. Both dreams together just pushed me over and left me shaking. I do my best not to think about L. The last time I saw him, I came home and had a long shower, scrubbing every inch of me, especially parts that had contact with him and then lay on the bathroom floor crying for ages. I know it wasn't really his fault and he didn't realise how much he scared me. But the fact is, he did. And it's been going on since I was about 10. I panicked a few months ago because I thought I saw him in college and kept thinking about all the times he managed to corner me. I really loved working with that group but until he isn't in it anymore, I refuse to go back and officially join it. That sounds kind of mean. But he's too obsessed with me, I can't be around him and feel safe. Enough is enough when it gets to the stage that you have your pre-teen brother with you coming over and saying mum wants me or he wants to go outside and needs me to come with him just so I can get away from L. He was so sweet, he always offered to keep an eye out and get me out of the way if he saw L coming, and if he couldn't he always found a reason for me to have to go. I don't think I ever really thanked him for that.
I guess I'm just scared of meeting him somewhere. In town like I have before. Him shouting "HI SOPHIE!" across the street or in a shop. Why did he even call me that? I'm not Sophie.
I loved the name when I was younger, but now I can't stand it. I'd never call my child that. Just because it reminds me of him. (No offence to anyone who might be called Sophie, feel free to bash my name if you like. )I'm scared. I can't handle having to think about him again. I had enough bad dreams and nights spent feeling scared and unsafe when I was seeing him every few months.
The thought of seeing him again makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry. I can't imagine how awful it must be for people who have been raped or anything close to that. I don't even want to think about if it got anywhere near that far.
Hug would be nice if anyone has a spare one.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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Lots of love and
coming your way! xPosted March 13th 2011 at 09:26 PM by L'espoir
