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La De Da
Posted March 2nd 2011 at 12:05 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I got thinking today. Realised that as of June this year, it'll be 4 years since things really started. Funny to think that it's been 4 years since I had lunch at school/college on a regular basis. Now it's just once every few weeks if I feel like it. Haven't had breakfast for longer than a few days in a row since I was 10. The friends who knew about it kept trying to make me eat. They'd get food and sit staring at me, refusing to let either of us move until I'd eaten. One of them called me "borderline anorexic"
I always defended myself against that. Always saying that I couldn't care less about my weight. But that's changed in the past year. I've started using the wii fit whenever I know I'll be home alone for over an hour. I'm obsessing over how much I weigh and feel like shit when I eat something that I know is high in fat.
It's now getting that if the wii tells me I've lost weight, I can be happy that day. If I've gained anything, I can't be happy. All I can think about is how disgusting I am. And oddly, none of this concerns me. I have a target and I plan to reach it. I have three months to get there. I don't really care if it puts me in some kind of dangerous category. Anyone can tell just by looking at me that I could do with losing a few.
It's so easy to miss breakfast and lunch. And I rarely eat dinner with my parents during the week. If they even ask me, I usually just say I'll get something later. And it's not exactly unusual for me to be sitting on the kitchen floor at 11pm with a small bowl of pasta or something. Which usually winds up being thrown out after my parents go to bed.
They already know that the prozac my doctor gave me last week makes me feel sick so that's just another reason to skip meals. Funny thing is, I still don't care a whole lot about my weight. Well I do. But it's more like, I want to get down to a certain BMI. But I'm not panicking about bad foods and good foods or anything and I'm not being hugely restrictive. My favourite food is pasta for God's sake! So really, there's no reason to be concerned. My doctor doesn't actually know about any of this. I think it's the only thing I haven't told her about. She knows about the SH. She knows I went through a period of overdosing on sleeping pills and ibuprofen to fall asleep. She knows I tried to kill myself last year. She knows all about the family issues and she knows about TH. She just doesn't know about my skipping meals or target. Because I know she'd try to stop me. With the self harm and suicidalness, she just asks how it's been, if I've had any thoughts, if I've acted on them and then tells me if I ever do have thoughts and I want to act on them or don't feel safe, I should get myself to a hospital or arrange an emergency appointment with her. Or any other doctor. Just as long as I see someone. If she knew about this she'd be asking a lot more questions and honestly, I wouldn't know how to answer them. I feel awful if someone asks me what I ate because I always feel like, no matter what it was, it was too much and they must be thinking how revolting I am for eating as much as that.
All the same. I've been thinking about telling her. I just don't really know what it'd do. It's not even that bad. It's not bad at all. I'm not underweight, I'm borderline. I'm not really a danger to myself with it. And it's not like I exercise excessively or refuse to eat for days on end. I just don't like eating breakfast or lunch and am growing more attached to Asda smartprice lemonade with no sugar or fat or anything in it.
I guess I'll see how it goes next week when I see her. Until then, I get to listen to the idiotic trainer on the wii fit shouting at me for falling off the board when I do the yoga.
I always defended myself against that. Always saying that I couldn't care less about my weight. But that's changed in the past year. I've started using the wii fit whenever I know I'll be home alone for over an hour. I'm obsessing over how much I weigh and feel like shit when I eat something that I know is high in fat.
It's now getting that if the wii tells me I've lost weight, I can be happy that day. If I've gained anything, I can't be happy. All I can think about is how disgusting I am. And oddly, none of this concerns me. I have a target and I plan to reach it. I have three months to get there. I don't really care if it puts me in some kind of dangerous category. Anyone can tell just by looking at me that I could do with losing a few.
It's so easy to miss breakfast and lunch. And I rarely eat dinner with my parents during the week. If they even ask me, I usually just say I'll get something later. And it's not exactly unusual for me to be sitting on the kitchen floor at 11pm with a small bowl of pasta or something. Which usually winds up being thrown out after my parents go to bed.
They already know that the prozac my doctor gave me last week makes me feel sick so that's just another reason to skip meals. Funny thing is, I still don't care a whole lot about my weight. Well I do. But it's more like, I want to get down to a certain BMI. But I'm not panicking about bad foods and good foods or anything and I'm not being hugely restrictive. My favourite food is pasta for God's sake! So really, there's no reason to be concerned. My doctor doesn't actually know about any of this. I think it's the only thing I haven't told her about. She knows about the SH. She knows I went through a period of overdosing on sleeping pills and ibuprofen to fall asleep. She knows I tried to kill myself last year. She knows all about the family issues and she knows about TH. She just doesn't know about my skipping meals or target. Because I know she'd try to stop me. With the self harm and suicidalness, she just asks how it's been, if I've had any thoughts, if I've acted on them and then tells me if I ever do have thoughts and I want to act on them or don't feel safe, I should get myself to a hospital or arrange an emergency appointment with her. Or any other doctor. Just as long as I see someone. If she knew about this she'd be asking a lot more questions and honestly, I wouldn't know how to answer them. I feel awful if someone asks me what I ate because I always feel like, no matter what it was, it was too much and they must be thinking how revolting I am for eating as much as that.
All the same. I've been thinking about telling her. I just don't really know what it'd do. It's not even that bad. It's not bad at all. I'm not underweight, I'm borderline. I'm not really a danger to myself with it. And it's not like I exercise excessively or refuse to eat for days on end. I just don't like eating breakfast or lunch and am growing more attached to Asda smartprice lemonade with no sugar or fat or anything in it.
I guess I'll see how it goes next week when I see her. Until then, I get to listen to the idiotic trainer on the wii fit shouting at me for falling off the board when I do the yoga.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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Or you'll eat. Yus? Yus.Posted March 2nd 2011 at 04:56 AM by Bibliophile
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Made me laughQuote:Originally Posted by Atelophobia
Or you'll eat. Yus? Yus.
Sorry. 
As much as you seem to realise how restrictive your being, maybe your friends would have a less bias view on your relationship with food? I totally understand not wanting to tell her about it because of the questions but maybe the questions would help you 'toe the line' so to speak?
She sounds like a pretty good Dr by the way so your lucky in that sensePosted March 2nd 2011 at 05:13 AM by Atychiphobia
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*hugs* please talk to me dear...Posted March 3rd 2011 at 02:31 AM by Henk
