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Last Night
Posted February 28th 2011 at 05:59 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I guess seeing the doctor on a "good" day wasn't necessarily the best idea. Then again, I can't really tell in advance which days will be good and which won't. Suppose it's safe to say that no, I don't feel safe at home on my own. I don't feel safe on my own at all. I just want to hurt and hide and break down completely. Except that I'm never in a position where I feel safe enough to do that.
I'll have 3 full days and a couple of hours on Friday home alone. The possibilities of what could happen are running through my mind so fast that I just want to go out and run for miles until they stop.*
It's kind of strange, isn't it? Writing something so personal on an object that can be so public. Maybe some part of me wants someone to find it. Maybe I just don't care anymore. Why should I? What difference does it make now? This time tomorrow I'll be back home. Probably sitting on my own bed thinking about the blades and pills in my bag. I don't even know why I brought them with me. I guess it was kind of a backup. A safety net. For what, I don't know. If I did know, I probably would have found some way to use them by now. So tempted to now. I'm pretty much alone. Could be for as long as ten, twenty minutes. Is that long enough? I imagined finding a way out. Walking aimlessly with nothing on me but the pills and blades and my music. I'd most likely get lost. I don't know my way around here. But I do know how to get to the dark road by the railway. The one with no lights. The one that seems miles long. I don't know. Why am I even writing this? What's it going to do? It won't make it go away and it certainly won't make it stop. It won't stop me when I have a bad dream tonight from leaving her asleep and doing anything that enters my head.
I sometimes wonder if he can see me. If he misses me as much as I miss him. I'm still waiting for mum to say we're going to see him or whatever. That he lost his wallet again. I wish I could hug him one more time, though I'm not sure I'd ever let go. I should be over this by now. Should stop thinking about it and move on. But how can I? How can I forget someone who's been such a big part of my life practically since the day I was born?*
I'll have 3 full days and a couple of hours on Friday home alone. The possibilities of what could happen are running through my mind so fast that I just want to go out and run for miles until they stop.*
It's kind of strange, isn't it? Writing something so personal on an object that can be so public. Maybe some part of me wants someone to find it. Maybe I just don't care anymore. Why should I? What difference does it make now? This time tomorrow I'll be back home. Probably sitting on my own bed thinking about the blades and pills in my bag. I don't even know why I brought them with me. I guess it was kind of a backup. A safety net. For what, I don't know. If I did know, I probably would have found some way to use them by now. So tempted to now. I'm pretty much alone. Could be for as long as ten, twenty minutes. Is that long enough? I imagined finding a way out. Walking aimlessly with nothing on me but the pills and blades and my music. I'd most likely get lost. I don't know my way around here. But I do know how to get to the dark road by the railway. The one with no lights. The one that seems miles long. I don't know. Why am I even writing this? What's it going to do? It won't make it go away and it certainly won't make it stop. It won't stop me when I have a bad dream tonight from leaving her asleep and doing anything that enters my head.
I sometimes wonder if he can see me. If he misses me as much as I miss him. I'm still waiting for mum to say we're going to see him or whatever. That he lost his wallet again. I wish I could hug him one more time, though I'm not sure I'd ever let go. I should be over this by now. Should stop thinking about it and move on. But how can I? How can I forget someone who's been such a big part of my life practically since the day I was born?*
Total Comments 2
Comments
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I'm so sorry.
I need you.
Please? :cry:
He can see you, gorgeous. I know he can. He loves you to bits.Posted February 28th 2011 at 06:02 PM by Bibliophile
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I'm sorry you're struggling :hugs: I'm here for you okay?
No, you're not supposed to forget him, you're supposed to carry him with you in everything you do. But the pain of it will lessen after a while and you will be able to handle it better. Show him how strong you are
xxxxxPosted February 28th 2011 at 08:17 PM by Nomophobia
