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I'm an idiot...
Posted February 10th 2011 at 12:48 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Sat up until 3am. Was closer to half past by the time I fell asleep.
Felt so self destructive. Finished what was left of the Kalms in the kitchen. Added ibuprofen. Mixed some alcohol together to take them with. Was less than ten minutes after I finished the alcohol when I fell asleep. Probably a good thing. Decided to watch Alice in Wonderland and stumbled across the room to get it. So dizzy. Found myself lying on my back on my bed with no idea how I got there.
At least it made me sleep. That was all I wanted. She was asleep. I didn't want to wake her. Figured not telling her was the right thing. She wouldn't worry unnecessarily. Woke up around midday with messages from her panicking that I was going to leave.
Made me realise how stupid I was being. Realised last night that I've spent the past few weeks or so focussing fully on her so I can ignore myself and be distracted with something else.
Been refusing to wake her up at night because I'm not worth the bother. If I woke her up and told her how difficult nights are lately, I'd have to think about it. Acknowledge it. Ignoring it is so much less painful.
Wish I could ignore it all the time. Wish my thoughts didn't have free reign when I'm alone.
You're pathetic. Weak. Alone.
You really think anyone likes you? Why would they? You're nothing.
Fat. Stupid. Useless.
Take the alcohol out of your bag and finish it. Add some pills too. No one will care. Just do it. NOW.
You deserve everything you get.
I gave up ignoring those thoughts. It's better to just listen and get it over with.
Felt so self destructive. Finished what was left of the Kalms in the kitchen. Added ibuprofen. Mixed some alcohol together to take them with. Was less than ten minutes after I finished the alcohol when I fell asleep. Probably a good thing. Decided to watch Alice in Wonderland and stumbled across the room to get it. So dizzy. Found myself lying on my back on my bed with no idea how I got there.
At least it made me sleep. That was all I wanted. She was asleep. I didn't want to wake her. Figured not telling her was the right thing. She wouldn't worry unnecessarily. Woke up around midday with messages from her panicking that I was going to leave.
Made me realise how stupid I was being. Realised last night that I've spent the past few weeks or so focussing fully on her so I can ignore myself and be distracted with something else.
Been refusing to wake her up at night because I'm not worth the bother. If I woke her up and told her how difficult nights are lately, I'd have to think about it. Acknowledge it. Ignoring it is so much less painful.
Wish I could ignore it all the time. Wish my thoughts didn't have free reign when I'm alone.
You're pathetic. Weak. Alone.
You really think anyone likes you? Why would they? You're nothing.
Fat. Stupid. Useless.
Take the alcohol out of your bag and finish it. Add some pills too. No one will care. Just do it. NOW.
You deserve everything you get.
I gave up ignoring those thoughts. It's better to just listen and get it over with.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Hey, stay strong and things will get better
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk :-)
'It will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end'Posted February 10th 2011 at 03:57 PM by Riddikulus
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Nat,
I think what you and Marie have is special. And I think you both need to be talking. Keeping things open. It's about understanding and getting by. Together. Because you're not alone. She wouldn't want you to be alone. She wants to be with you. I think talking to someone. Letting it out is something to try. I mean. I think it's worth the try. It's worth letting someone in to feel the help they can give. She could help you. You're worth it.
Stay strong. You're beautiful, courageous and certainly an un-idiot
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-MelissaPosted February 10th 2011 at 06:26 PM by SimplyComplex
