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Posted February 5th 2011 at 10:14 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Saw my doctor. She kept asking things.
How have things been?
Ehh.. Alright, I guess. Bit hard. I can't stop thinking about blood. I want it all to stop. It's been so much harder than I'll ever let you or anyone else know.
Have you found yourself feeling a quite down a lot of the time?
Yeah. All I do is cry. I'm running out of reasons to smile.
What about sleeping, how's that been?
Difficult, I can't get to sleep at night and then I'll sleep all day and then can't sleep at night again. I can sleep for up to twelve hours and still be ready to go to bed again just hours after getting up.
Do you ever think about hurting yourself or have thoughts about suicide?
Sometimes. Frequently.
Have you ever used drugs or alcohol to get away from everything?
Not exactly. I'd never use drugs but I have drunk alcohol in the past. I have vodka hidden in my room.I'm waiting for the right time to drink it all and maybe mix with the ibuprofen I've been buying.
She's given me this questionnaire to fill out about how I'm feeling. Says I've to go back within two weeks. In that time I have to do the questionnaire and think about whether it'd be worthwhile to go on antidepressants. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't really want to be drugged up on shit that's just going to make me numb. But at the same time, I do want to make it stop hurting as much. I'm scared of going back. Scared of what she'll say. I don't want to go alone but there is no way in hell I'm taking any parents or family and none of my friends will be around. Thinking about just not going back. But what would that do?
Worrying about filling in the questionnaire. It's one of those "How many days in the last 2 weeks have you felt like this..." ones.
I read over it on my way out and all except one of them are how I'm feeling just about every day. I don't want to put that down in case it seems like I'm making it up for attention or sympathy. But at the same time, I want to be honest with her and fix everything.
I don't know. :/
I'm meeting with my course tutor and the head of the care department at college on Monday morning which is scaring the Hell out of me. I don't want to quit the course, I just need to find a way to be able to get up in the morning and go without wanting to be hit by a car on the way just to avoid having to deal with people. Not entirely sure how to explain that to them though.
I don't know how to explain anything. I didn't say much but I was more open with her yesterday than I have been since the first time I saw her. But there was still too much I could explain. She asked if I ever felt suicidal. I couldn't put into words that I don't want to die, I just don't want to live this way. I guess I'll have to see what she says next time. See what my tutor says on Monday.
I want to go back to England already.
How have things been?
Ehh.. Alright, I guess. Bit hard. I can't stop thinking about blood. I want it all to stop. It's been so much harder than I'll ever let you or anyone else know.
Have you found yourself feeling a quite down a lot of the time?
Yeah. All I do is cry. I'm running out of reasons to smile.
What about sleeping, how's that been?
Difficult, I can't get to sleep at night and then I'll sleep all day and then can't sleep at night again. I can sleep for up to twelve hours and still be ready to go to bed again just hours after getting up.
Do you ever think about hurting yourself or have thoughts about suicide?
Sometimes. Frequently.
Have you ever used drugs or alcohol to get away from everything?
Not exactly. I'd never use drugs but I have drunk alcohol in the past. I have vodka hidden in my room.I'm waiting for the right time to drink it all and maybe mix with the ibuprofen I've been buying.
She's given me this questionnaire to fill out about how I'm feeling. Says I've to go back within two weeks. In that time I have to do the questionnaire and think about whether it'd be worthwhile to go on antidepressants. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't really want to be drugged up on shit that's just going to make me numb. But at the same time, I do want to make it stop hurting as much. I'm scared of going back. Scared of what she'll say. I don't want to go alone but there is no way in hell I'm taking any parents or family and none of my friends will be around. Thinking about just not going back. But what would that do?
Worrying about filling in the questionnaire. It's one of those "How many days in the last 2 weeks have you felt like this..." ones.
I read over it on my way out and all except one of them are how I'm feeling just about every day. I don't want to put that down in case it seems like I'm making it up for attention or sympathy. But at the same time, I want to be honest with her and fix everything.
I don't know. :/
I'm meeting with my course tutor and the head of the care department at college on Monday morning which is scaring the Hell out of me. I don't want to quit the course, I just need to find a way to be able to get up in the morning and go without wanting to be hit by a car on the way just to avoid having to deal with people. Not entirely sure how to explain that to them though.
I don't know how to explain anything. I didn't say much but I was more open with her yesterday than I have been since the first time I saw her. But there was still too much I could explain. She asked if I ever felt suicidal. I couldn't put into words that I don't want to die, I just don't want to live this way. I guess I'll have to see what she says next time. See what my tutor says on Monday.
I want to go back to England already.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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*hug* could you write it down?
As far as the college goes, maybe anti-depressants would help you to manage going. Well done for being more honest, I know its hard. Try to be as honest as you can on the questionnaire, the only way she can help is if you are.
I'm always here for you to talk to, anytime. Don't be afraid to lean on me <3Posted February 5th 2011 at 11:40 PM by Nomophobia
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I love you <3
It'll be ok <3
Come to me ok??
xxxxxxPosted February 6th 2011 at 01:39 AM by ~*Rach*~
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[COLOR=black]I know how hard it can be to be honest with people but in the end it will help you get better. I just recently had to fill out a questionaire for my therapist and it was really hard. There was a big part of me that wanted to lie through my teeth because I didn't want to seem as if I was attention seeking. However the truth is most doctors are not going to think you are attention seeking and one of the main ways you are going to pull through this is by opening up and being as honest as possible. Yes it is hard but it will help.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=black]As for medicines why not talk to your doctor about your concerns? While going on medicines can be really scary it might be what you need to pull through this funk. You don't have to go in it blind though open up to your doctor about your concerns and maybe they can help you feel better.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=black]If you ever want to chat you know where I am! :hug: [/COLOR]Posted February 6th 2011 at 03:00 AM by
