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Well, thank you, mother. I feel wonderful now.
Posted November 20th 2010 at 12:06 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Quote:
“Why don’t you start drinking and get your high like a normal teenager? Not that you’re not normal, but you know..
And I know that she’s not just a friend coming up from England. Set yourself up for a fall, sweetheart. Distance is hard and this could be just a gay phase you’re going through. But hey, if you grow up gay, you’ll still be my little girl.”
And I know that she’s not just a friend coming up from England. Set yourself up for a fall, sweetheart. Distance is hard and this could be just a gay phase you’re going through. But hey, if you grow up gay, you’ll still be my little girl.”
I’m not capable of feeling anything just now. I was so upset with her last night. She said that I’m ‘not well’ just because I happen to enjoy the sight of my own blood after a hard day. She said she knew something obviously wasn’t right because a few days ago I was sitting in my room, in the dark, and refused to come out all night (explanation: exhaustion and a headache) and last night, I bounded up to her the minute she came in the door to tell her about the awesome cake I made. It was a damn awesome cake, of course I was proud of it.
Now I’m being dragged up to the doctor’s to ‘get some help’ and, oh happy day, she’s coming with me. There are REASONS why I keep things for them. It’s for their own good and my flipping sanity. Because I KNOW they’d react like this. She says I can talk to her anytime but I really can’t. I can speak to my mum no problem, but I can’t TALK to her. There’s too much she doesn’t know.
I am NOT going back to a psychiatrist. I don’t care what she or the doctor says. I have a lot of respect for my doctor, I think she’s great. But I am NOT letting her send me back to that moronic shrink I ended up with last time. The one who totally ignored half of what I said and called me an emo. The one who failed so badly to understand anything that I left the second time wanting to die and so went home and drank and cut and cried.
I refuse to go back there. I don’t care if they try to drag me by my ears. I’m not talking to anyone in that place. Because I know already that it doesn’t help. That and with all the bars over the windows it just looks like they’re trying to stop people getting out which is more than just a little freaky.
I ranted about it to a friend last night and typically she made sense. “Don’t you think maybe she feels like she did something wrong because her only daughter cuts and is gay?” *For the record I’m not gay, I refuse to define myself* But I guess she makes a good point. Which leaves me back where I started.
Feeling nothing. Not knowing what to think or do. Hopeless.
Can’t be bothered with anything. The only reason I even got out of bed was because dad said I had a package so I knew her Christmas present had come in. I was so excited about it yesterday. But today, even when I saw it, it was more like “Aww it’s cute.” and that was it. Yesterday I’d have been bouncing off the walls shouting “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Oh.My.GOSH! It’s here it’s here it’s here it’s here it’s here! And it’s SO CUTE!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
Maybe mum was right about the mood thing.
Today, I’m just going to drown the world out with music and read my book. Because I can’t deal with anything else.
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Nat, just to say, I love you lots..keep smiling
xxxxxxxxxxPosted November 20th 2010 at 08:52 PM by Nomophobia
