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Some Things Hurt Way Too Much To Be Known
Posted August 16th 2010 at 12:15 AM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Sometimes there are things we just don’t want to know. Yet we do anyway.
And it’s always the things that hurt the most. Especially when it’s as if there is no reason in the world for it to hurt. It does. And that can’t be changed.
So we find an excuse to leave and find a way to dry our tears. Until the next time.
Because they don’t need to know how much it hurts. No one ever knows the true extent of how much they hurt you. They can be the closest friend you have, and that gives them the ability to, albeit unintentionally, hurt you the most.
So when there’s no reason to hurt, do we ignore it?
Do we just let it out then forget about it and move on?
Or do we punish ourselves for being so hideously stupid to let something so simplistic, so idiotic and natural hurt as much as it does?
I find self induced karma easier to deal with than emotions. You’d be surprised how easy it is to find reasons to punish oneself. A bad thought here. Second meaning behind words there. Even things that, to others, don’t really deserve to be punished. Such as telling someone how I really feel about something. It’s an excellent reason to be punished.
Sometimes I wish the world could see what a truly horrible and disgustingly pathetic excuse for a human I am, at least then I’d know I deserve my emotions, just for existing. Another good reason to punish oneself. Mere existence.
Taking up valuable oxygen, food, water, money, space, time, thoughts, memories.
Today I went somewhere that made me feel as though maybe giving up wasn’t the best idea, maybe if I just kept trying, things would get better.
I think I was just caught up in the moment.
I can’t ever see anything in life being more than this.
More than the tears, the blood, the sleepless nights. More than the hatred that threatens to overwhelm me with every passing second. The hatred for what I’ve become, what I’ve done, and what I continue to do everyday just by being alive.
It’s almost the perfect reason not to be alive, isn’t it?
I’m still hunting for that truly perfect reason. At least when I find that, I’ll know my decision wasn’t completely unjustified.
I heard someone talk today about how much it hurt them to lose friends to suicide. I can only thank whatever deity there is that no one I know should ever have that problem.
I’m not worth even a second’s consideration let alone the time, love, concern and care that is wasted on my useless excuse for an existence.
The clock strikes 12
My time is nigh
I take the final leap
And say goodbye
Funny what you can randomly make up on the spot.
Or remember on the spot.
Close your eyes and make believe
That this is where you want to be
Forgetting all the memories
Trying to forget love, cause love’s forgotten me
Well hey hey baby it’s never too late
Pretty soon you won’t remember a thing
And I’ll be distant, the stars reminiscent
Your heart’s been wasted on me
Decoy - Paramore
One of my favourite songs. I can relate more than I ever thought I could. Then again, there’s one song I sing every day and just wait for the final time the words leave my mouth, right before my time.
My wounds cry from the pain
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ.
Tourniquet.
My suicide.
Tourniquet - Evanescence
And it’s always the things that hurt the most. Especially when it’s as if there is no reason in the world for it to hurt. It does. And that can’t be changed.
So we find an excuse to leave and find a way to dry our tears. Until the next time.
Because they don’t need to know how much it hurts. No one ever knows the true extent of how much they hurt you. They can be the closest friend you have, and that gives them the ability to, albeit unintentionally, hurt you the most.
So when there’s no reason to hurt, do we ignore it?
Do we just let it out then forget about it and move on?
Or do we punish ourselves for being so hideously stupid to let something so simplistic, so idiotic and natural hurt as much as it does?
I find self induced karma easier to deal with than emotions. You’d be surprised how easy it is to find reasons to punish oneself. A bad thought here. Second meaning behind words there. Even things that, to others, don’t really deserve to be punished. Such as telling someone how I really feel about something. It’s an excellent reason to be punished.
Sometimes I wish the world could see what a truly horrible and disgustingly pathetic excuse for a human I am, at least then I’d know I deserve my emotions, just for existing. Another good reason to punish oneself. Mere existence.
Taking up valuable oxygen, food, water, money, space, time, thoughts, memories.
Today I went somewhere that made me feel as though maybe giving up wasn’t the best idea, maybe if I just kept trying, things would get better.
I think I was just caught up in the moment.
I can’t ever see anything in life being more than this.
More than the tears, the blood, the sleepless nights. More than the hatred that threatens to overwhelm me with every passing second. The hatred for what I’ve become, what I’ve done, and what I continue to do everyday just by being alive.
It’s almost the perfect reason not to be alive, isn’t it?
I’m still hunting for that truly perfect reason. At least when I find that, I’ll know my decision wasn’t completely unjustified.
I heard someone talk today about how much it hurt them to lose friends to suicide. I can only thank whatever deity there is that no one I know should ever have that problem.
I’m not worth even a second’s consideration let alone the time, love, concern and care that is wasted on my useless excuse for an existence.
The clock strikes 12
My time is nigh
I take the final leap
And say goodbye
Funny what you can randomly make up on the spot.
Or remember on the spot.
Close your eyes and make believe
That this is where you want to be
Forgetting all the memories
Trying to forget love, cause love’s forgotten me
Well hey hey baby it’s never too late
Pretty soon you won’t remember a thing
And I’ll be distant, the stars reminiscent
Your heart’s been wasted on me
Decoy - Paramore
One of my favourite songs. I can relate more than I ever thought I could. Then again, there’s one song I sing every day and just wait for the final time the words leave my mouth, right before my time.
My wounds cry from the pain
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ.
Tourniquet.
My suicide.
Tourniquet - Evanescence
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