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Don't like doctors...or life...or friends....or..anything?
Posted May 15th 2010 at 04:03 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
So it seems being honest -to a point- with your doctor just makes you worry like hell afterwards.
Doctor: If you ever feel like you want to harm yourself, or have any kind of suicidal thoughts at all *sees me blush*…have you felt at all suicidal?
Me: Erm…yeah a bit…
Doctor: Have you made any plans?
Me: Well I kind of tried already last month
Doctor: What did you do?
Me: overdosed
Doctor: On what?
Me: Just some pills I took from the cupboard…
Doctor: What kind of pills were they? Do you know?
Me: Mhm it was co-codamol
Doctor: How many did you take?
Me: don’t really remember *hates self for not being able to say it*
Doctor: Okay, was it three or four? Or more than that?
Me: more
Doctor: Alright, was it more than ten?
Me: Yeah…it was about 10-12 *feels relieved at finally saying it*
Doctor: And what happened?
Me: I went to sleep and was sick all the next day
Doctor: Okay, well I’d like to do a blood test because even the smallest amount of paracetamol can damage your liver, I want to check that everything’s okay.
Me: I…I’m not good with needles…
Doctor: I can give you some cream to put on your arm…
Me:*starts to nod, thinking ‘miracle cure for liver damage, cream on your arm, awesome!’*
Doctor:…that would numb it for you if that would help, or is it just the idea of needles?
Me: The idea…I just can’t deal with that, sorry
Doctor: Okay, I can’t make you take it but if you start to get any kind of stomach pains or your skin goes a bit yellow, then come right back to me okay? In the meantime, if you feel like you want to harm yourself or if you feel at all suicidal again, then get an appointment to come see me as soon as possible, and if you do anything then call someone for help, call an ambulance even, okay?
Me: Okay…
So great. Apparently now I've potentially damaged my liver, and unless I show up with any symptoms or agree to get a blood test, I'll never know for sure and if I have, how badly. Fantastic
I get to worry myself sick and become even more paranoid 
At least I told her, right? Except that I realised when I came out and was halfway back to school that I never thought to tell her about the frequent dizzy headaches and chest pains. Oh well. I don’t really see it as that important but a friend does. Then again, this same friend told me I had to go to a hospital when I described sleep paralysis to her (didn’t know what it was at the time, apparently, neither did she since she thought it was some big bad thing that needed fixed)
So weird, isn’t it? A frequent self-harmer who finds a variety of ways to get herself hurt, is totally terrified of needles. I don’t even like sewing with them.
I’m trying to do this as a distraction. For the past week or so, I’ve been having these urges to sh and I really…argh okay I want to. But I don’t. Either way they finally calmed down yesterday. And a close friend came to me because she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to see blood.
So I apologised several times and told her that I’d been urge-y all week, I needed a little time to make sure they were definitely gone so there wasn’t really much I could do to help her. I said she should go to our other friend, I sent said friend a text message, she came, and my friend refused to talk to her. So she left.
Then deciding to ignore my previous warnings about me not being a good person to go to, my friend then started talking to me about blood and tearing her arms apart and saying she was holding the razor and no one could help her. I’m right back where I started. Fantastic. And I know for a fact that her and her boyfriend will be back together and totally in love this time next week. Just like last time. And the time before. And the time before. And every other time they break up and she goes insane and attacks herself and cries and wants to die.
So now I get to sit here, with my little gold box, teasing myself gently with its contents and wondering how long it'll be before it passes this time.
Today will be so fun.
Doctor: If you ever feel like you want to harm yourself, or have any kind of suicidal thoughts at all *sees me blush*…have you felt at all suicidal?
Me: Erm…yeah a bit…
Doctor: Have you made any plans?
Me: Well I kind of tried already last month
Doctor: What did you do?
Me: overdosed
Doctor: On what?
Me: Just some pills I took from the cupboard…
Doctor: What kind of pills were they? Do you know?
Me: Mhm it was co-codamol
Doctor: How many did you take?
Me: don’t really remember *hates self for not being able to say it*
Doctor: Okay, was it three or four? Or more than that?
Me: more
Doctor: Alright, was it more than ten?
Me: Yeah…it was about 10-12 *feels relieved at finally saying it*
Doctor: And what happened?
Me: I went to sleep and was sick all the next day
Doctor: Okay, well I’d like to do a blood test because even the smallest amount of paracetamol can damage your liver, I want to check that everything’s okay.
Me: I…I’m not good with needles…
Doctor: I can give you some cream to put on your arm…
Me:*starts to nod, thinking ‘miracle cure for liver damage, cream on your arm, awesome!’*
Doctor:…that would numb it for you if that would help, or is it just the idea of needles?
Me: The idea…I just can’t deal with that, sorry
Doctor: Okay, I can’t make you take it but if you start to get any kind of stomach pains or your skin goes a bit yellow, then come right back to me okay? In the meantime, if you feel like you want to harm yourself or if you feel at all suicidal again, then get an appointment to come see me as soon as possible, and if you do anything then call someone for help, call an ambulance even, okay?
Me: Okay…
So great. Apparently now I've potentially damaged my liver, and unless I show up with any symptoms or agree to get a blood test, I'll never know for sure and if I have, how badly. Fantastic
I get to worry myself sick and become even more paranoid At least I told her, right? Except that I realised when I came out and was halfway back to school that I never thought to tell her about the frequent dizzy headaches and chest pains. Oh well. I don’t really see it as that important but a friend does. Then again, this same friend told me I had to go to a hospital when I described sleep paralysis to her (didn’t know what it was at the time, apparently, neither did she since she thought it was some big bad thing that needed fixed)
So weird, isn’t it? A frequent self-harmer who finds a variety of ways to get herself hurt, is totally terrified of needles. I don’t even like sewing with them.
I’m trying to do this as a distraction. For the past week or so, I’ve been having these urges to sh and I really…argh okay I want to. But I don’t. Either way they finally calmed down yesterday. And a close friend came to me because she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to see blood.
So I apologised several times and told her that I’d been urge-y all week, I needed a little time to make sure they were definitely gone so there wasn’t really much I could do to help her. I said she should go to our other friend, I sent said friend a text message, she came, and my friend refused to talk to her. So she left.
Then deciding to ignore my previous warnings about me not being a good person to go to, my friend then started talking to me about blood and tearing her arms apart and saying she was holding the razor and no one could help her. I’m right back where I started. Fantastic. And I know for a fact that her and her boyfriend will be back together and totally in love this time next week. Just like last time. And the time before. And the time before. And every other time they break up and she goes insane and attacks herself and cries and wants to die.
So now I get to sit here, with my little gold box, teasing myself gently with its contents and wondering how long it'll be before it passes this time.
Today will be so fun.
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