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Who's really honest with a doctor anyway? Really?
Posted May 4th 2010 at 03:08 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I'm supposed to be seeing my doctor again on Friday.
And I have NO idea what I'm supposed to say.
'The psych nurse told me I'd get over it and to go back in August. I probably should have mentioned to one of you that losing a family member to cancer four years ago led me to stop eating (didn't I mention the ednos bit last time? no? sorry!) and start cutting. Another, closer family member now has it and I don't plan to outlive them by very long. How? Well the suicide attempt I neglected to tell you about before was kind of messy so maybe some other way? I keep spontaneously bursting into either hysterical laughter or uncontrollable sobbing for no real reason. Yes I did cut myself again, no you don't need to look at it, it's fine
There will just be more when I go home anyway so what's the use? My mum found a razorblade in my room, no I hadn't used it. I used the other 17 that are actually sharp enough to draw blood. I would like to tell you that I'm suicidal but I don't really want to end up in a hospital being watched because my family have enough to deal with right now. I have thoughts in my head telling me 'do this or this person will get hurt/die' or 'you know that xxxx can see you right now' which is why I was told that I have 'minor schizophrenic tendencies.' School is driving me insane and is on it's own a factor that makes me want to just curl up and die. But don't worry. The 'professional' says I'll get over it 
'
Yeah. Right. I can TOTALLY be that open.
More like 'Hi. I'm okay, thanks. Yes it went well, I'm going back in four months Nope, no cutting, life has been really good Yeah school is okay, lots of studying Yeah, I'm nervous but it'll be fine 
Okay, see you in 3 weeks, bye '
Why can't I just TELL HER all this shit?
Why can't I just tell ANYONE all of it??
It's driving me crazy, I keep telling her that I'm okay and I'm NOT. I'm SO FAR from okay that I can't even see the line anymore!
It's gotten to the stage that I'm dealing with constant headaches because now, just the THOUGHT of taking any kind of painkiller makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.
I feel sick all the time anyway so what difference does it make?
I'm sleeping so late no matter how early I go to bed and I'm STILL exhausted!
I can't DEAL with this I don't know what the hell is WRONG with me!!
I can't DO anything anymore. I just sit there. I have a NAB tomorrow that I HAVE to pass and I don't know crap about the stupid book because I can't focus!
People are going to try to make me sit an exam that I've already told my parents I am NOT going to whether I'm supposed to be doing it or not.
My stupid, evil, blackmailing BITCH of a family is going to be at my little brother's confirmation and since I'm suddenly his 'sponsor' (what the hell is that!?) I have to be there. I have to see them. After everything she put me through I'm going to have to spend nearly 2 hours in the same building as her.
I'm SO tempted to cut deep gashes all the way up my arm, just like she LIED to my parents about and tell her THAT'S what cutting is.
I want to scream and cry and throw things around but I can't because I just don't HAVE a destructive nature. I don't like making noise or breaking things.
All I can harm is myself and even then, it's nowhere NEAR as much or as seriously as I wish I could.
If I fell asleep and didn't wake up for a few days, weeks, months, would I have a fresh start at all of this?
If I was comatose and woke up, would I get the help I tried to ask for, or would I 'get over' that as well?
I tell people nearly everyday to reach out and get help. I tell them to speak to a friend, family member, teacher, doctor. I tell them that it's worth it! That it's so worth the difficulty to talk about it because they can get help.
But I'm just lying because it's done NOTHING for me but make me feel like some stupid teenager who is overexaggerating, attention seeking and overreacting. That I'm just a typical teen and all this will pass.
All it's done for the past 3 years is get WORSE! NOTHING has gotten any better! How much longer do I have to wait?!
I guess just however long it takes to come up with another plan. Who makes the same mistake twice anyway?
FML.
And I have NO idea what I'm supposed to say.
'The psych nurse told me I'd get over it and to go back in August. I probably should have mentioned to one of you that losing a family member to cancer four years ago led me to stop eating (didn't I mention the ednos bit last time? no? sorry!) and start cutting. Another, closer family member now has it and I don't plan to outlive them by very long. How? Well the suicide attempt I neglected to tell you about before was kind of messy so maybe some other way? I keep spontaneously bursting into either hysterical laughter or uncontrollable sobbing for no real reason. Yes I did cut myself again, no you don't need to look at it, it's fine
There will just be more when I go home anyway so what's the use? My mum found a razorblade in my room, no I hadn't used it. I used the other 17 that are actually sharp enough to draw blood. I would like to tell you that I'm suicidal but I don't really want to end up in a hospital being watched because my family have enough to deal with right now. I have thoughts in my head telling me 'do this or this person will get hurt/die' or 'you know that xxxx can see you right now' which is why I was told that I have 'minor schizophrenic tendencies.' School is driving me insane and is on it's own a factor that makes me want to just curl up and die. But don't worry. The 'professional' says I'll get over it 'Yeah. Right. I can TOTALLY be that open.
More like 'Hi. I'm okay, thanks. Yes it went well, I'm going back in four months
Nope, no cutting, life has been really good Yeah school is okay, lots of studying Yeah, I'm nervous but it'll be fine Okay, see you in 3 weeks, bye 'Why can't I just TELL HER all this shit?
Why can't I just tell ANYONE all of it??
It's driving me crazy, I keep telling her that I'm okay and I'm NOT. I'm SO FAR from okay that I can't even see the line anymore!
It's gotten to the stage that I'm dealing with constant headaches because now, just the THOUGHT of taking any kind of painkiller makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.
I feel sick all the time anyway so what difference does it make?
I'm sleeping so late no matter how early I go to bed and I'm STILL exhausted!
I can't DEAL with this I don't know what the hell is WRONG with me!!
I can't DO anything anymore. I just sit there. I have a NAB tomorrow that I HAVE to pass and I don't know crap about the stupid book because I can't focus!
People are going to try to make me sit an exam that I've already told my parents I am NOT going to whether I'm supposed to be doing it or not.
My stupid, evil, blackmailing BITCH of a family is going to be at my little brother's confirmation and since I'm suddenly his 'sponsor' (what the hell is that!?) I have to be there. I have to see them. After everything she put me through I'm going to have to spend nearly 2 hours in the same building as her.
I'm SO tempted to cut deep gashes all the way up my arm, just like she LIED to my parents about and tell her THAT'S what cutting is.
I want to scream and cry and throw things around but I can't because I just don't HAVE a destructive nature. I don't like making noise or breaking things.
All I can harm is myself and even then, it's nowhere NEAR as much or as seriously as I wish I could.
If I fell asleep and didn't wake up for a few days, weeks, months, would I have a fresh start at all of this?
If I was comatose and woke up, would I get the help I tried to ask for, or would I 'get over' that as well?
I tell people nearly everyday to reach out and get help. I tell them to speak to a friend, family member, teacher, doctor. I tell them that it's worth it! That it's so worth the difficulty to talk about it because they can get help.
But I'm just lying because it's done NOTHING for me but make me feel like some stupid teenager who is overexaggerating, attention seeking and overreacting. That I'm just a typical teen and all this will pass.
All it's done for the past 3 years is get WORSE! NOTHING has gotten any better! How much longer do I have to wait?!
I guess just however long it takes to come up with another plan. Who makes the same mistake twice anyway?
FML.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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Hey, I know we haven't talked...but you can do this.
Maybe write something to give your doctor? Print this out?
There's hope. I know it's hard to see it sometimes, but it's there and it's real.
Things are going to get easier. I'm sure a million people have told you that. But they will. Don't give up.
Posted May 4th 2010 at 03:19 PM by EmisaurusRex
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It's going to be okay.
It's going to get better.
i believe in you.
PM me if you like (:
♥Posted May 4th 2010 at 03:21 PM by Naomi.
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i get it. my friend told me b4 "the weather may be horrible right now... so it has to get better" or something like that.. then she winked. she's right. sometimes life can still be hard and suck but it does get betterPosted May 6th 2010 at 11:59 PM by ~Ash~
