Ok so in September I took leave as a staff member to try and sort myself out, as I could feel myself getting lower and lower.

Well since then...

1. I have fallen out with a girl I was sort of unofficailly seeing, made up, fallen out and made up again.

2. bunked off 7 lessons ( I am in year 12 doing my AS levels) and come up with pathetic reasons why.

3. I have relapsed in self harm

4. my relationship with God has been very...

Ok so I came out to friends in October and mum and sis in Janurary about me being a Lesbian ...It went Ok. Friends tease me sometimes but they mean it in good nature.

Had a SH relapse in November and January, but after 2-3 weeks I managed to stop. Now that everything is out in the open and I have excepted everything including the fact that I get depressions and that I can be a gay christian etc I am hopeing that Janurary 27th was the last time I will ever SH.

For SH awareness...

I had a meeting with my head of house

( IN our school we are all put in a house including teacher, each house has a deputy house head and a house head the house heads talk to student in their house about bully, behaviour and personal stuff etc)

We talked about how I was in a depression again... I had to show her my SH and talked about how it doesnt make me feel any better when people quiz me and force me to tell them what is wrong. We also talked about how in our year...

This weeks has been so hard.

My best Friend has had really bad urges to cut.

Another close friend reported being molested. The guy that molested her was the same guy that molested me in May. Surfacing bad memories to come back into my head. Anyway the girl he has molested this time has been having panic attacks and SHin.

My mum has been stressed and breaking down into tears everyday this week and not telling anyone why.

My dad has passed a...

I feel so depressed I am finding it hard to even fake happiness.

on tuesday I just randomly found myslef crying infront of my tutor ( joys she pretends she knows everything that is going on) Then I caouldn't concentrate in eny lessons and dragged myslef from room to room willing the day to end. I then ended up falling asleep most of the evening as I could not be bothered to do anything.
I managed not to SH though.

Today I haev felt much the same but just about stopped...

Just had a massive arguement with mum and dad. They went on bout how I never do wat I say I will and how I do nothing on weekend days.
So I got really angry and was like actually I start doing productive things at 10am and have done a daily planner for yr 10.
So they were like yh yr 10 which u arnt taking seriously and u obs dont care bout ur future.

This is a total lie Ive fully focused in all lessons today and have got a system that should help me get my work organized....

First full day of school today.

Listioned and concentrated
Laughed
talked
smiled
hugged
gave girlfiend advice to best guy mate.
Ate small bowl of pasta
tons of pringels
5 strawbury long sticks of some sweet

All of my happy emotions= faked
My mini binge on crips and sweets = to cover up feeling fat to friends

Why am I at faking point again
Why do I feel depressed again
Whats the point in...

Today was alright.
Tommorow is boring hanks to the lessons. = science, maths,english,pe and german.

Stressed out
feel fat
skipping meals AGAIN
cant sleep
tired
worried
scared
trying to beat urges after given in previous 2 nights.
annoyed
depressed
the list goes on and on

My sister has been having doubts about her and her boyfriend for a couple of weeks now. Today she rang him and he said that somthing was up to do with him but is refusing to say what untill tomorrow which is our first day back at school.

This has made my sister really upset and worried. Then she went on facebook and a girl was asking chris what they where doing on sat making my sister even more uhappy.

Im soooo worried bout my sis now as in the past she has dealt with...

Today I have buned myslef for the 1st time and cut after 13 days of being SH free.

But whast I was helping mum prep the patatoes for lunch mum told me that the therepy group had excepted the 3rd request for them to see me.

Im so scared and its freaking me out and is the reason I cut today as I can't stop/control the nerves inside me.

I know that its good that im finally getting some professional help but it means mum will find out everything this will upset...