Lost

I feel lost, adrift in a sea of my own thoughts and emotions. Every day I feel a part of me slipping away. More and more I feel crushed beneath my growing cynicism. I do not even know why I am feeling this way or what triggered these feelings. I just do not know how to stop. Last night for the first time in a very long time, I thought about suicide again. I didn’t think about it in a depressed point of view. I didn’t feel like I was trapped and it was my only way out or anything like that. I just was lying in bed contemplating how simple it would be to just stop existing. Intellectually I know that I have so much to look forward to. Idk just emotionally it just doesn’t seem to be worth it. If anyone reads this, don’t worry I am not slipping back into depression and I am most certainly not going to do anything stupid. I guess I was just regarding the concept with an abstract albeit morbid curiosity.

I just feel lonely. I mean I am around my roommates all the time and they are great. But even when I am around other people, I don’t feel like I am apart of anything going on. I guess the closest way to describe it is that it is as if I am watching life as a movie. Observing but never taking part of what I see going on. And even worse, I am caring about what is going on less and less. I feel like I am becoming more cynical day by day.
I miss my best friend. But it’s different now. And I don’t know exactly what has changed but something has. Our conversations have grown shorter and further apart. And lately it has started to feel like she cares about that less and less. So in turn I am finding it harder and harder to care… *shrugs* maybe its just a psychological defense mechanism I don’t really know. All I know is that it sucks.

I am not even really sure why I am writing all of this. I guess just writing things down helps me to sort out everything that is so jumbled in my mind.