randomness

I sit and stare at the blank wall, wondering what has become of me. Wondering how things have changed so much. I know change is a part of life, but it just seems that mine has changed so drasticly. Maybe its because of all I went through with Ashley. I logged onto my myspace tonight for the first time in months and I realized that I was no longer anywhere near how I used to be.

The changes are as glaring as they are astonishing. In a way I wish things hadn't changed as much as they had. Granted that is partially my fault for the mistakes I made, but then again the past is the past. And theres not much I can do about it anymore. Do I wish I could return to the past? Na not really. What I miss the most is the feeling of certainty that I used to possess. I've always known exactly what I've wanted and gone for it without hesitation, prolly part of the problem in the first place actually. But now it just seems like everything is turned upside down. And im not entirely sure what I want to pursue anymore, I feel like the guy in the movie "Into the wild".

I feel like im being forced into things that I don't want to do. Sometimes I think he had it right. Just throw what u need in a backpack and start walking. I wish I had lived in the era of hippies and peace and love (rofl) because back then, people that did that weren't weird. Now if someone does that there is something wrong with them and they are making the wrong decisions and blah blah blah. I just want to pack a backpack and walk someone and then work until I have enough money to go some where else. After everything thats happened here, its really hard not to just leave and disappear.

To be honest if I didnt have Becca I might have very well done just that already. But I couldn't do that to her. I honestly don't know what is the point in writing this. Just kinda needed to get some feelings out there.