Feeling a little down...

I'm sorry if this gets long...I just feel awful. I'm not really sure where this is coming from. I just feel a little down right now. I've been feeling like this off and on for some time, and it usually goes away after a few days, but then a week or two later my sadness will come back. I can't shake my insecurities. I've tried so hard, I really have. But it's so hard.

I had it literally beaten into me for years by everyone around me that I was just this hideous monster that nobody would ever love, and that everyone would be happier if I just died. I got bullied so bad for so long that what little confidence I had flew out the window. Yeah, it's been years since I was bullied. After middle school we moved to the country so I'd have a fresh start, away from the bullies who beat me. I was finally able to enjoy life. But now...I don't know.

I've never been able to completely shake the scars of the past. My self confidence has never really recovered. I look into the mirror and I just see ugliness. I think about Jon, and I just start to wonder how someone like him could be attracted to someone like me. He's an incredible person, and I truly love him from the bottom of my heart. He's the only boy who's ever accepted me completely and he treats me like a princess. But...I feel like he deserves so much better than me. I feel like I'm just so ugly and worthless, like I can't do anything right. I feel awful about myself. Yes, I've talked to him about it. He always tries so hard to comfort me and he does anything in his power to make me feel better, and to try and help me see that I'm beautiful. And he does make me feel that way, but that feeling is just so short lived. It goes away so fast, and I feel like shit again. But at the end of the day, every time I get broken he's so patient and puts me back together. He never loses hope that I will overcome this and encourages me so much, but I don't know if I can be put back together completely.

What really gets me is I don't know why I'm feeling this way. It's been like this off and on for months, but I just can't figure out why. Why am I ugly? Why am I worthless? Why am I stupid? Why am I pathetic? Why can't I do anything right? I don't know if I'll ever completely get over what happened in the past.

More than anything, I feel like my mom believes I'll end up like my biological mother. I live with my grandparents, who raised me from birth, so to me they're mom and dad. My biological mother just dumped me on them. She slept around with 6 men and had me at 17. She was a runaway at 15. She was so messed up, even when she was little. Doctors tried to help her, but she was just out of control. She had to go to a special school because she couldn't attend normal school, she'd cause to much trouble. She was just a horrible person who manipulated everyone around her. I have no respect for her, and I hate her. Maybe it's because of how she was that mom is so strict, but she treats me like a child. She won't leave me alone with Jon, and she said just a few days ago that even if I was 21 she wouldn't let me be alone in a house with him. I feel like she doesn't trust me, even though I'm 18 and a legal adult. I'm nothing like my real mother. But one thing that bothers me is I went looking in the attic. There's only one box with my mother's stuff in it. There's no trace of her anywhere in the house, not even photos. I found a photo, and I'm practically her twin. I look exactly like her. And I hate it. It just makes me feel more ugly.

Now I'm just rambling...but I basically just feel like a piece of shit and Jon deserves someone so much more beautiful and smart than me. Even feeling that, though...I love him so much, and even though I just saw him earlier today, I miss him so much...