So weak...

I wanted to post this in the forums but I felt stupid doing it.
I write this with a heavy heart
I'm struggling in school because i've been so sick. I'm always sick in the beginning of the year. And being a freshman with 2 honors classes doesn't help. Its the hardest time of the year for me- The 1 year anniversary of The Court Case. When i dissappeared for 7 months. This time last year, I was living with my emotionally abusive foster mom. All the memories have been flooding back.
It also doesn't help that the nightmares have started again. The latest ones? Well, I was dreaming that I was re-admitted to my residential treatment, But that I was just dropped off there, like a "free kittens" box by my mom. My cottage had a different name. Something about a bank? All the cottages were like in a battlefield and that all the lockdown cottages were on steroids, they were huge! Everything had changed, and THAT scared me most. I also had a dream about car crashes on a country highway. I saw 3 grannies drive off a ledge and one be launched up and spun around. Another car hit a sinkhole.
So I've been falling behind in school again, and now my mom is being overbearing on the homework. I'm just freaking out . I'm not used to her just being like this and its stressing my relationship with her. It makes me actually able to think about suicide and cutting. The suicide, I could never think about because death to me now has the worst stigma of guilt. I instantly break down when the thought emerges, its painful. I can't cut because I went too deep a month ago. It scares me to do it, and my pain threshold has gone down :/. I still have my razor in my retainer case just for me. Rusty, stained with blood spatter. Sorry. Anyways, I just can't deal with the pressure she's giving me. Its like she's babying me! I wish I could just scream and leave when she does it.
I cant see the keyboard I'm crying so hard. I want to get help but I feel so weak. "You can't deal with a little pressure?" "ooh! Off to go get more 'cat scratches'?" "Just take It like a NORMAL person!" Not only is it the pressure but my own conscience against me. I have the worst conscience ever. It just bitches at me all the damn time! I've never felt weaker in my life. My damn therapist- I can only see her once a week because twice a week "takes me away from class time". WELL I NEED IT! I wish i could call her but "You're not ICTS" (higher priority client). No one gives a goddamn about me I swear. I need help. I just cant ask for it.
Well thanks for giving me a bit of your time to read this. Now go live your own happy life