i am so scared

i don't even know how many times i have posted with the words "i hate my breasts".
it has been true since i was twelve and it will still be true tomorrow.

everyone thinks it's a vanity problem. or that i want to be a hoe and get more attention from guys. i don't want to come off as bragging, but i already do get attention. i'm pretty sure anything with a hole in it gets male attention. that's not the problem and i don't think whether i'm comfortable with my chest or not will change that area of my life.

what is a problem for me is not feeling comfortable in my own body. people don't understand just how heartbreaking it is to grow up being told one day you'll have this beautiful, feminine thing and just waiting patiently for years for that thing to finally develop, and then finally realizing that it's never going to come.
i remember being like thirteen years old, and i found this pretty piece of material that i thought would be perfect to make a bandeau out of. (i was seriously into sewing and making clothes back then.) but i didn't have any cleavage, and it wouldn't look good without cleavage, so i decided i would wait and try it on in a few years.
the very day that i finally moved up a cup size, i ran to my room, grabbed the bandeau from a very specific spot that i for some reason remembered exactly, and ran into the bathroom to try it on. i cried when i realized just because i moved up a cup size didn't mean i had "cleavage".
in fact, i think what happened was that my body and ribcage grew bigger, but my actual breasts didn't. so my band size might have gotten bigger, but not my cup size. even now, sometimes my bra won't be completely filled out. past boyfriends have laughed at all the extra space left in my bra, joking that i could make some extra money by renting it out.

it's honestly so depressing, because every month i am convinced that my breasts are finally filling out a bit more. and they will fill that horrible empty space in my bra. for about a week before my period. somehow i always seem to forget that my period is coming, and i get so excited that "they're finally growing". at the very least i'm grateful for those few days where i feel somewhat more feminine.

i hate social media. every time i see an actual pair of tits i want to cry. i have watched all the girls i knew in middle school and high school grow up and it seems like everyone developed breasts except for me.

another way i know this isn't just because i want male attention is because lots of guys have told me that small breasts are super sexy and that it really doesn't matter as long as they're there.
i have heard that so many times and it hasn't changed the way i've felt at all. anytime a guy does anything in that area i feel really uncomfortable. i'd rather they just leave my shirt on because i hate it when people see them.

bra shopping and swimsuit shopping are the absolute worst. i have never felt beautiful in a swimming suit. my body is disgusting. so many swimming suits are breast oriented and made to show off cleavage.
one time my friends and i went to target together and they ended up bra shopping, which was unplanned. we couldn't even shop in the same sections because they all have huge breasts and i have next to nothing.

they tell me that they wish they had mine, because none of the "pretty" bras fit them. i do love the pretty bras and i have bought a few super lacy, strappy ones. but i have to buy the smallest size, which tells me that even if my breasts did grow i would still be able to fit into those pretty bras. i only want to grow a cup size or two. seriously just one cup size would make me so, so happy. my body is so disproportionate and ugly.


i think i am about to risk my health on a sketchy herb from thailand and i do not know if it will work or not. i want to try [Edited]. i tried [Edited], and it helped, but it also made me gain weight which is not good. i want to try [Edited] flaxseed oil for massaging, and eat a lot of healthy, "estrogen-promoting" foods.
i have heard so much about [Edited], and it seems like nothing short of a miracle herb. it is most often used by transgender MTF women as part of a natural HRT regimen. these people do develop breasts, hips, and curves even though they were previously male, which i think is amazing and if anything proves that it works, it has to be that right? but there's just a shortage on personal accounts of using [Edited]

there are some people on youtube who update others about their use of it and how it's helping their breast growth. but they all seem to eventually stop making those videos or go on to make different videos. many of the trans youtubers who did this have switched to videos on different HRT instead of the natural, herbal method.

there are so many products and sellers that claim that it's [Edited], but i don't know how to find the legit ones. apparently it's a pretty rare plant, but one youtuber swears by the [Edited] she bought off of ebay for five bucks. that just seems extremely sketchy to me, but i'm about to the point where i'm willing to try it out.
i don't think this would be so terrifying if i could just talk to a doctor about it or even have my parents help me check it out, but i feel like i have no one. often times we think our parents will freak out about something, and they surprise us and are kind chill about it, but i've tried to talk to my mom about my problem with my breasts.

before i started taking [Edited] i tried to ask her about it. she asked why i wanted to take it and i told her to increase my breast size. she snapped and hastily asked why i would possibly want to do that. she sounded kind of mean about it. i don't think it made her mad, but i think she thought it was just to get guys attention and that has always been looked down upon in my family.
that was the end of that conversation and i haven't been able to bring it up to her ever since.

i just don't know what to do. i can't get implants because i'm broke and i'm afraid they won't look and feel real. i want them to be real. i think i have to try [edited]