If there's a God in heaven, I'm pissed at him

This has been on my mind for awhile, I don't really know what I hope to get from posting this but I just wanted to let this out. I dunno.

So I was raped on March 10th of 2016. It's no secret, I've made a few threads about it. I finally told my parents in October.

Now, some backstory -- ever since maybe 2012-2013 my parents have been trying to get more involved with going to church regularly. I didn't hate it at first, in fact, I think I actually liked it. Or saw it as an opportunity to get closer to God or some shit. Because I actually thought he cared about my little 8th grade crushes.
I remember always feeling this warm feeling in my chest, as if Jesus was really in my heart or something. Every time we prayed or did some blessing shit or something, I got tingles all over my body, and goosebumps, and chills. As if some super natural force was moving through me.

And then one day, I remember, I decided that I would get out of my head and see if I still got those feelings. It's hard to explain, but I guess I was questioning whether I was just imagining God's presence was there and so I was subconsciously making myself feel those things. It's weird, yeah.
So next time we went, I just waited for God to make himself known to me, and for "his presence to flow through me" on it's own. It's not like I was blocking it all out and not listening to the service or participating. I was still actively taking part in the service, just I wasn't making myself feel things I thought I was supposed to. I suck at explaining this but yeah.
And nothing happened.
It's not like that was the last straw for me with religion, it was just the start of me doubting it. More and more and more.

I began to realize things like I was only part of Christianity because my parents were and made me one, and that I personally had no real reason to follow this religion -- because it was theirs, not mine. I started to entertain ideas like "what if the things I grew up being taught as truth by my parents, actually weren't the truth? what if 'my' religion was wrong?"

2015-2016 was when I really started to hate going to church. I attempted to reconnect with the religion multiple times, rededicated myself to Christ twice and put my heart and soul into searching the Bible and deciphering verses. And nothing happened. My life didn't improve, I didn't feel any different, and more importantly -- I felt no reason for doing this. Nothing was motivating me besides the fear of dying and there being no afterlife, and the fear of having to face my Christian-ass family as a non-believer.
I finally began to admit to myself that I hadn't really believed in God or Christianity for a pretty long time. It all felt like this stupid act I had to hold up, "or else".
So finally, I freed myself from the chains of obligation Christianity held me under, and I called myself an agnostic.


Currently, I still feel like that fits me. I don't see proof for a god or proof against a god. Maybe I just don't want to see either side, I don't know. Honestly, I care so little about religion that I rarely even call myself agnostic -- I'd rather just say I'm nothing because I really don't give a fuck anymore.
However, now that I have been raped, this view of religion has taken a much more aggressive tone.

Once I told my parents about the rape, I thought they'd try to understand why I hate church so much now. But no, they tried forcing me even more to go with the family.
Do you know how much of a slap in the face it is to hear, "everything happens for a reason" and "everything is part of god's plan" and "god wrote out every single day of your life before you were born."

If that is true, and "God" knew I would be raped all along, didn't send some warning that it would happen, and still let it happen to me... what the fuck??
If it's true that God wrote out every single day and aspect of my life, then that means that this sick minded being planned out exactly who would rape me, why he would do so, when he would do this, where this would happen, and exactly how it would happen.
Not only that, but he wrote out who I would tell, how they would react, why they would react so badly (like the majority did), etc.

AND not only that, but he wrote out who would rape, why, when, where, and how it would happen to the THREE other girls that my rapist also raped before me.

And now I'm supposed to worship this guy??

I read something once that said "Sometimes god will use bad things, such as rape, to bring people who were once believers back into his light." It basically said that He'll make our life so utterly terrible that we have no choice other than to run crying back to God.
And if we're rightfully pissed at him for ruining our life, and continue to stray from his oh-so-glorious-light, we'll rot in hell for the rest of eternity after we die. Never ending pain. Pain throughout our life and pain for the rest of our days.

what. kind. of. sick. fuck. does. this.

more importantly

WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE CONTINUE TO WORSHIP THIS MONSTER?


There's a quote by this guy Epicurus that goes,
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?"


If I were to believe that God exists, I would believe that he is able and all powerful to stop evil, but unwilling to do so.
If I choose to believe in God, I believe in a malevolent God. And I'm pissed at him.