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Rant... it's long.
Posted May 1st 2017 at 04:42 AM by Jess~
Tags abuse, broken heart, hurt, manipulation, rant, relationship, sexual assault, trust issues
In January, after texting some Tinder guy for about 3 weeks, I decided to meet him. It was pretty sketchy, and I should be grateful for the fact that he was who he said he was and, you know, didn't kill me. He said I could meet him at his apartment or we could meet up at the Starbucks across the street from his place. In addition to that, he lived 30-40 minutes away so I would be driving the farthest I've ever driven myself from home, going to meet up with a stranger. Not the wisest thing I've done, I must say.
We ended up meeting at his place, I forget what reasoning I had for that stupid decision.
I was feeling really positive about this guy though, all the other Tinder guys were either just horny, boring to talk to, or just too obsessive. But this guy was so different. He was actually really fun to talk to, and the conversations hardly ever ended. He made me smile with his texts, made me feel secure and supported, and best of all, he never mentioned sex ONCE over text.
Well within 10 minutes of me arriving at his apartment, he was already trying to have sex with me. Of course I was still really fucked up from my sexual assault, so as he kept trying to convince me to have sex with him, and I kept saying no, he would say things that my perpetrator said to me to try and convince me to have consensual sex with him. So that sent me into panic mode and I hurriedly said yes. In my mind, saying yes meant I was saving myself from being raped. Because as long as I don't say no, they can't violate and take away my no. Of course that's very flawed logic, but again, still fucked up in the head.
I went into this with sex being the LAST thing on my mind. Hell, I didn't even shave or wear pretty panties. Probably stupid, in hindsight, considering we did meet from Tinder and the general consensus seems to be that Tinder is just for hook-ups. But it's just that, when I'm going to have sex with people, I'll have a mature discussion about it with them first, to try my best to be sure that they're clean and everything. Since he never brought it up while we were texting, I just assumed that he wanted more than just a hook-up. Was I so wrong to have a bit of hope?
After we had sex, we went to Starbucks and actually talked and laughed and just hung out. He was honestly awesome, aside from the coerced sex. While we were talking, he brought up that he was raped as a child. So I used to opportunity to tell him about my sexual assault as well, and he was so apologetic after that for coercing me into sex with him. The fact that he was so quick to make sure I was okay and that he didn't hurt me made me start to forgive him for it. In reality, that should've been a red flag. It's just weird that he only cared about coercing me into sex after learning I was raped... he didn't apologize before, when he thought I was just a normal person who experienced sex normally.
I drove back to his house probably a good 20 times from January-March. That's like 800 minutes I wasted, just driving there. Not including the time spent with him. Or the time spent driving back. Let alone, the fucking gas it took to get there. And the money I spent on buying him food and shit.
I had a car, but no job. He had a job, but no car. That was why I was always driving to him. He bought me everything for the first 3 times we hung out, and I was starting to feel really bad. I offered to pay for my own food every time, but he kept saying it was fine. The 4th time, however, I told him I would get it. Because even though he had a job, he was living in his own apartment with a roommate who barely helped with the bills. It's not like he was wiping his ass with money either. It would kind of alternate between who paid for what for awhile. But I remember week after week, another $20 would be used from my wallet. A couple times, the condom broke, and so I had to buy Plan B. He offered to help pay for it and I was so grateful, but when I told him it was $50 he backed out. That's $100 fucking dollars all on its own. I lost probably $300 over the course of our "relationship". What pisses me off most is that he knew money was really tight for me, and that I had no money coming in whatsoever. He did, and there were times where he kind of gave me no choice but to pay for him. I just feel like a considerate person would put more thought into the fact that he has a job and I don't.
He said he liked me before we even met, over text. And he kept telling me how much he liked me as we kept hanging out. I'm desperate for someone to actually love me, I'll admit it, so I really tried to force some feelings for him. Honestly, deep down, I think all I saw him for was sex, at least after things stopped getting so sweet.. At first, I think deep down I knew we had nothing in common interest or personality-wise... I felt like it should be meant to be, because we both experienced sexual assault and I felt like we were meant to help each other. I tried to force myself to have feelings for him, to make it somewhat meaningful. I think the bonding chemicals released from sex made me somewhat attached to him. But I don't think I ever truly had feelings for him. Soon, it became all about sex, and he tried stopping it multiple times.
He started blaming it on me, like I needed to have standards and boundaries as to how far I'd go with people. But it wasn't like I was jumping on him the second I got there. In fact, almost every time, I would wait to see if he would make the first move. Even the first time we met, he was trying to coerce me for a good 10-15 minutes, and then I freaked out. It wasn't like I "didn't have boundaries". I don't like making excuses for myself, ever, but I feel like being a victim of rape and being in that kind of situation is kind of justified for me finally giving in. I didn't want to have sex. I just said yes to save myself and get it over with.
So we started saying that "today, we're just going to go to the park and not have sex at all." We would end up going home and having sex. It was just this endless, almost self-destructive cycle. I think he was more disappointed about us breaking the barrier and having sex than I was. But there even came a point where the sex just got awful too. I can't tell you how many times he literally just laid there and I would be on top the entire time. I always hear people complaining about women just laying there, not a dude. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's never okay for one day to just be special treatment or some shit, but that happened way too many times than I should've allowed. In addition to that, he stopped doing foreplay completely. There were so many times we didn't even kiss before he put his dick in me. There were so many times where I didn't even have time to become lubricated enough and it hurt like hell.
I remember during Valentines, I assumed I would finally have a valentine, for the first time in my life, because we were one of those things where it was like we acted like a couple everywhere, just there was no label on the relationship. He said this other girl asked him to be her valentine, but she asked like 3 weeks ago, before we get as close as we were at that point. He said yes to her and they planned a date on Valentines Day. But he said he would be my valentine too, and that he would buy me even more stuff than he bought her, and give it to me after v-day. He bought her one of those giant stuffed animals, and he asked which animal I wanted because he was "buying me one too".
I came over a week before v-day, after he had supposedly already bought my stuffed animal. I saw the giant elephant he got for her, but he said he had to hide mine away until after v-day. I believed him.
So after v-day, and their date where they went to see 50 Shades fucking Darker and ate pizza in the same bed I fucked him on a thousand times, I went over to his house.
A few weeks before, he had asked me to draw a portrait of him, because he saw my art and really liked it. So I had secretly been working on a giant, 18x24 realistic charcoal picture of him. I spent probably a dozen hours on it. I'm pretty sure he forgot he even asked me for it, so I was excited to surprise him. I left it in my car because I wanted to make sure we were still exchanging gifts that day.
He was in the processing of moving apartments at this time, so when I went inside everything was in the process of being boxed up except the furniture and stuff. So the house was pretty clean. He immediately said, "I bought you the giant monkey you wanted but I lost it in all this mess..." He lives in a fucking apartment, there's nowhere to lose anything, let alone, a giant fucking stuffed animal. I knew he was lying then and didn't have the heart to give him the drawing I made for him.
You know I never really suffered from being "triggered" about the rape too badly. Loud sounds and stuff that I know other victims struggle with, it didn't bother me. The only things that triggered me was seeing my perpetrator and being coerced into sex. At least, that's all I thought triggered me.
One time, he was playing video games while I was taking a nap. When I woke up I was feeling silly and bored so I kept taking ugly pictures of him, ONLY because he did that to me quite often and I wanted to get him back. Out of nowhere he screamed at me "Can you stop??!" and slapped the phone out of my hand hard. And that brought me back to feeling completely powerless and not cared about, mostly due to the abusive relationship that took place before the sexual assault. I don't cry often, and never in front of other people. He made me cry 5 times I visited him in a row.
At first, he made me feel so much better about myself. He made me feel beautiful and worth having around. But as the relationship got ugly, he started making me feel even more like shit about my insecurities. Like I said, he would always take ugly pictures of me, but he would post them to his group chats. He also knew how much I hated my small breasts, and while half the time he would tell me they were good enough for him, the other half he would make fun of them and keep talking about how great big boobs were and how they were his favorite body part on a female.
He also posted pictures of my body to the group chat. Once I was laying away from him, with my butt facing him (with leggings on) and he took a selfie with it. So yeah, maybe that one's cute and funny. But then, he took a video of my giving him head, and right after he was done he sent it to one of his friends, without asking me first. Who knows where that video is now. He also always begged me to twerk and I would say I didn't want to look stupid. But one drunken night, I took a video of me attempting twerking. It's super embarrassing and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I'm more than sure that video has been sent among his friends or group chats too.
Since our relationship never had a label, we talked about it a lot because it was hella confusing for both of us. He specifically told me he just wasn't ready for a girlfriend, and I thought I appreciated his honesty, at the time.
Guess why I finally stopped wasting my time, gas, and money on him?
He got a girlfriend.
I kept texting him after for a little while, but never went to see him again. The very day he started dating her, the same valentines day hoe he prioritized over me, he begged me to come have sex with him because his new girlfriend is waiting until marriage. She won't even give head. I said no the first time and laughed at him. A couple weeks later I slipped and said yes, but changed my mind the day I was supposed to drive over. And I'm so glad I refused to go there, in the end. As much as I would've loved to help him cheat on the bitch I hate, I know that in all honesty, she's probably just as much of a victim as I am. Because he has probably already cheated on her in some way. She's innocent here and he's the dick head.
Last week I finally blocked him on Snapchat. I unfollowed him on Instagram. I even unliked all his posts.
Of course, I didn't block him from following me, because hey, followers. If he texts me or calls me, I will tell him I never want to see him or speak to him ever again.
I'm mostly pissed at myself for letting him take advantage of me for what felt like so long. Even underneath all the money, time, and gas I wasted on him, there was so much confusion, drama, and emotional shit that went into all this. I had to lie to my parents to go see him and I disappointed my friends time and time again because I didn't listen when they said to stop seeing him. Not to mention that I feel absolutely disgusting for letting him ever sleep with me.
As of now, I'm mostly just super pissed about the money. I feel like he used me, in a way, and now I'm really suffering. Like, I can't make workout progress, because I need to buy things like protein powder and bigger weights, but I have zero money to do that with.
I guess I'm still just trying to make sense of it all and accept that I fucked up and let someone take advantage of me. It's so hard to trust when every time I finally do, some shit like this happens.
Side note: I think I'm going to burn the picture I drew of him. Just not sure if I should send him a picture of "him" burning or not. <3
We ended up meeting at his place, I forget what reasoning I had for that stupid decision.
I was feeling really positive about this guy though, all the other Tinder guys were either just horny, boring to talk to, or just too obsessive. But this guy was so different. He was actually really fun to talk to, and the conversations hardly ever ended. He made me smile with his texts, made me feel secure and supported, and best of all, he never mentioned sex ONCE over text.
Well within 10 minutes of me arriving at his apartment, he was already trying to have sex with me. Of course I was still really fucked up from my sexual assault, so as he kept trying to convince me to have sex with him, and I kept saying no, he would say things that my perpetrator said to me to try and convince me to have consensual sex with him. So that sent me into panic mode and I hurriedly said yes. In my mind, saying yes meant I was saving myself from being raped. Because as long as I don't say no, they can't violate and take away my no. Of course that's very flawed logic, but again, still fucked up in the head.
I went into this with sex being the LAST thing on my mind. Hell, I didn't even shave or wear pretty panties. Probably stupid, in hindsight, considering we did meet from Tinder and the general consensus seems to be that Tinder is just for hook-ups. But it's just that, when I'm going to have sex with people, I'll have a mature discussion about it with them first, to try my best to be sure that they're clean and everything. Since he never brought it up while we were texting, I just assumed that he wanted more than just a hook-up. Was I so wrong to have a bit of hope?
After we had sex, we went to Starbucks and actually talked and laughed and just hung out. He was honestly awesome, aside from the coerced sex. While we were talking, he brought up that he was raped as a child. So I used to opportunity to tell him about my sexual assault as well, and he was so apologetic after that for coercing me into sex with him. The fact that he was so quick to make sure I was okay and that he didn't hurt me made me start to forgive him for it. In reality, that should've been a red flag. It's just weird that he only cared about coercing me into sex after learning I was raped... he didn't apologize before, when he thought I was just a normal person who experienced sex normally.
I drove back to his house probably a good 20 times from January-March. That's like 800 minutes I wasted, just driving there. Not including the time spent with him. Or the time spent driving back. Let alone, the fucking gas it took to get there. And the money I spent on buying him food and shit.
I had a car, but no job. He had a job, but no car. That was why I was always driving to him. He bought me everything for the first 3 times we hung out, and I was starting to feel really bad. I offered to pay for my own food every time, but he kept saying it was fine. The 4th time, however, I told him I would get it. Because even though he had a job, he was living in his own apartment with a roommate who barely helped with the bills. It's not like he was wiping his ass with money either. It would kind of alternate between who paid for what for awhile. But I remember week after week, another $20 would be used from my wallet. A couple times, the condom broke, and so I had to buy Plan B. He offered to help pay for it and I was so grateful, but when I told him it was $50 he backed out. That's $100 fucking dollars all on its own. I lost probably $300 over the course of our "relationship". What pisses me off most is that he knew money was really tight for me, and that I had no money coming in whatsoever. He did, and there were times where he kind of gave me no choice but to pay for him. I just feel like a considerate person would put more thought into the fact that he has a job and I don't.
He said he liked me before we even met, over text. And he kept telling me how much he liked me as we kept hanging out. I'm desperate for someone to actually love me, I'll admit it, so I really tried to force some feelings for him. Honestly, deep down, I think all I saw him for was sex, at least after things stopped getting so sweet.. At first, I think deep down I knew we had nothing in common interest or personality-wise... I felt like it should be meant to be, because we both experienced sexual assault and I felt like we were meant to help each other. I tried to force myself to have feelings for him, to make it somewhat meaningful. I think the bonding chemicals released from sex made me somewhat attached to him. But I don't think I ever truly had feelings for him. Soon, it became all about sex, and he tried stopping it multiple times.
He started blaming it on me, like I needed to have standards and boundaries as to how far I'd go with people. But it wasn't like I was jumping on him the second I got there. In fact, almost every time, I would wait to see if he would make the first move. Even the first time we met, he was trying to coerce me for a good 10-15 minutes, and then I freaked out. It wasn't like I "didn't have boundaries". I don't like making excuses for myself, ever, but I feel like being a victim of rape and being in that kind of situation is kind of justified for me finally giving in. I didn't want to have sex. I just said yes to save myself and get it over with.
So we started saying that "today, we're just going to go to the park and not have sex at all." We would end up going home and having sex. It was just this endless, almost self-destructive cycle. I think he was more disappointed about us breaking the barrier and having sex than I was. But there even came a point where the sex just got awful too. I can't tell you how many times he literally just laid there and I would be on top the entire time. I always hear people complaining about women just laying there, not a dude. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's never okay for one day to just be special treatment or some shit, but that happened way too many times than I should've allowed. In addition to that, he stopped doing foreplay completely. There were so many times we didn't even kiss before he put his dick in me. There were so many times where I didn't even have time to become lubricated enough and it hurt like hell.
I remember during Valentines, I assumed I would finally have a valentine, for the first time in my life, because we were one of those things where it was like we acted like a couple everywhere, just there was no label on the relationship. He said this other girl asked him to be her valentine, but she asked like 3 weeks ago, before we get as close as we were at that point. He said yes to her and they planned a date on Valentines Day. But he said he would be my valentine too, and that he would buy me even more stuff than he bought her, and give it to me after v-day. He bought her one of those giant stuffed animals, and he asked which animal I wanted because he was "buying me one too".
I came over a week before v-day, after he had supposedly already bought my stuffed animal. I saw the giant elephant he got for her, but he said he had to hide mine away until after v-day. I believed him.
So after v-day, and their date where they went to see 50 Shades fucking Darker and ate pizza in the same bed I fucked him on a thousand times, I went over to his house.
A few weeks before, he had asked me to draw a portrait of him, because he saw my art and really liked it. So I had secretly been working on a giant, 18x24 realistic charcoal picture of him. I spent probably a dozen hours on it. I'm pretty sure he forgot he even asked me for it, so I was excited to surprise him. I left it in my car because I wanted to make sure we were still exchanging gifts that day.
He was in the processing of moving apartments at this time, so when I went inside everything was in the process of being boxed up except the furniture and stuff. So the house was pretty clean. He immediately said, "I bought you the giant monkey you wanted but I lost it in all this mess..." He lives in a fucking apartment, there's nowhere to lose anything, let alone, a giant fucking stuffed animal. I knew he was lying then and didn't have the heart to give him the drawing I made for him.
You know I never really suffered from being "triggered" about the rape too badly. Loud sounds and stuff that I know other victims struggle with, it didn't bother me. The only things that triggered me was seeing my perpetrator and being coerced into sex. At least, that's all I thought triggered me.
One time, he was playing video games while I was taking a nap. When I woke up I was feeling silly and bored so I kept taking ugly pictures of him, ONLY because he did that to me quite often and I wanted to get him back. Out of nowhere he screamed at me "Can you stop??!" and slapped the phone out of my hand hard. And that brought me back to feeling completely powerless and not cared about, mostly due to the abusive relationship that took place before the sexual assault. I don't cry often, and never in front of other people. He made me cry 5 times I visited him in a row.
At first, he made me feel so much better about myself. He made me feel beautiful and worth having around. But as the relationship got ugly, he started making me feel even more like shit about my insecurities. Like I said, he would always take ugly pictures of me, but he would post them to his group chats. He also knew how much I hated my small breasts, and while half the time he would tell me they were good enough for him, the other half he would make fun of them and keep talking about how great big boobs were and how they were his favorite body part on a female.
He also posted pictures of my body to the group chat. Once I was laying away from him, with my butt facing him (with leggings on) and he took a selfie with it. So yeah, maybe that one's cute and funny. But then, he took a video of my giving him head, and right after he was done he sent it to one of his friends, without asking me first. Who knows where that video is now. He also always begged me to twerk and I would say I didn't want to look stupid. But one drunken night, I took a video of me attempting twerking. It's super embarrassing and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I'm more than sure that video has been sent among his friends or group chats too.
Since our relationship never had a label, we talked about it a lot because it was hella confusing for both of us. He specifically told me he just wasn't ready for a girlfriend, and I thought I appreciated his honesty, at the time.
Guess why I finally stopped wasting my time, gas, and money on him?
He got a girlfriend.
I kept texting him after for a little while, but never went to see him again. The very day he started dating her, the same valentines day hoe he prioritized over me, he begged me to come have sex with him because his new girlfriend is waiting until marriage. She won't even give head. I said no the first time and laughed at him. A couple weeks later I slipped and said yes, but changed my mind the day I was supposed to drive over. And I'm so glad I refused to go there, in the end. As much as I would've loved to help him cheat on the bitch I hate, I know that in all honesty, she's probably just as much of a victim as I am. Because he has probably already cheated on her in some way. She's innocent here and he's the dick head.
Last week I finally blocked him on Snapchat. I unfollowed him on Instagram. I even unliked all his posts.
Of course, I didn't block him from following me, because hey, followers. If he texts me or calls me, I will tell him I never want to see him or speak to him ever again.I'm mostly pissed at myself for letting him take advantage of me for what felt like so long. Even underneath all the money, time, and gas I wasted on him, there was so much confusion, drama, and emotional shit that went into all this. I had to lie to my parents to go see him and I disappointed my friends time and time again because I didn't listen when they said to stop seeing him. Not to mention that I feel absolutely disgusting for letting him ever sleep with me.
As of now, I'm mostly just super pissed about the money. I feel like he used me, in a way, and now I'm really suffering. Like, I can't make workout progress, because I need to buy things like protein powder and bigger weights, but I have zero money to do that with.
I guess I'm still just trying to make sense of it all and accept that I fucked up and let someone take advantage of me. It's so hard to trust when every time I finally do, some shit like this happens.
Side note: I think I'm going to burn the picture I drew of him. Just not sure if I should send him a picture of "him" burning or not. <3
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Comments
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Hey, just want to let you know I'd read your blog. Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship and you've made some positive choices by not speaking to him anymore. I can relate around trying to come to terms with a previous abusive relationship. It takes time and a lot of hard work but it gets easier <3Posted May 4th 2017 at 12:11 AM by .Jess.
