I am sooo messed up...

Well, I know I've never posted before, but since I'm grounded from facebook (meaning I cant talk to my friends), I figured I could post here and hopefully get some moral support from some random kind strangers...

So, I haven't really been a "good" kid since I got to 7th grade, but apparently I've never learned my lesson because I really screwed up... I'm in 9th grade now, and there's this guy that I had been seeing for a year and a half, and I felt that I really loved him, and that he loved me back just as much. We had made idiotic plans to "consummate" our love, and the day had come that we finally were able to see each other again to finalize our plan. Unfortunately, before he was able to leave my house afterwards, my parents came home.. because of his age, my mother called the police, and i have not contacted him since, nor will I ever be allowed to or vice versa. But soon after then, I came upon the knowledge that he was manipulating me to get just what he got, a little girl who was willing to give it all no matter what anyone else said.
Since then I have been going to therapy every Friday and talking to my two closest friends, hoping that one day I wont blame myself.. Every night I have at least one nightmare having to do with him... and I get random blackouts more increasingly since then. I've had a few days when all I want to do is overdose on my anxiety pills, and a few more that I want to start cutting or burning myself again.. Heck, I've even had a few days that all I wanna do is grab one of my lighters and get a cig from one of my friends.... but I haven't. I haven't done any of it. And as much as I'd love to be proud of myself, all I can seem to do is hate myself for wanting to resort back to that.. then I hate myself for hating myself.. at this point i just dont know what to do anymore.. I only see one of my close friends when I go to school, and with the snow, that hasnt happened much.. and I can only talk to the other over facebook, and as i said earlier, I'm kinda grounded from that.. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to anything..