Keep forgetting to take painkillers for my wrist. Result? My wrist is sore and achey.

I still have the ringing in my ears. It gets louder and quieter but it's still there. I've had it for about three weeks now. Sometimes it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I hear pale music, or murmuring I can't make sense of. Not very often though.

I don't think the ringing is related to my illness. I do, however, think it has something to do with how I'm sleeping, and when I find...

Eye-contact is a bitch. Right now, I pretty much struggle to do it - at all. I'm sure all the people that I'm only just meeting must think I'm strange, but when I'm low, or coming out of a low, I feel quite anxious in social situations, and making eye-contact actually scares me right now, it makes me feel excessively vulnerable.

On the bright side, I have a move date! It's most likely going to be next Tuesday (the 24th of July) and I just have to sort out some financial stuff with...

And so disorganised. It's so hard going from the structured environment of hospital back to home, where there's absolutely NO structure. I've been thinking I should have chosen to go into respite instead, but it's already been done now.

I can't impose my own structure in the environment because there's too many other people and life here is just so . . . messy. It's bad for me. It's bad because I find it really hard to sustain recovery/wellness when my life has no structure. So moving...

I. Am. Obsessed. With. Suicide.

I don't know why! I don't feel actively suicidal at the moment (in fact the suicidal patches are getting shorter and more infrequent, thanks quetiapine), but I'm still obsessed with how, and how long, and how effective - I'm still researching it, courtesy of google.

I did find out that had I gone for plastic bag suffocation in hospital, I would have been dead within ten minutes - meaning I would have been dead for at least five minutes...

Doing it for me is the only way to do it right.
Sometimes, you have to be selfish.
Sometimes, you have to put your own needs first.
Sometimes, you have to ignore what everybody else thinks of you.

So, I've had trouble with medication before. That doesn't mean that the same thing has to happen this time. I've made a commitment to taking it. I'm setting up a routine around it, so that taking it becomes just a part of what I do before I go to bed. Things Melodie...

I got home about half an hour ago. I have been received with much less than a warm welcome, in fact all the humans seem somewhat hostile.

On the bright side, Linny (my cat) is absolutely over the moon to see me again, and the dog's (family dog, not mine personally) tail had a few wags for me.

I was discharged due to pressure for beds. The consensus is that although I'm not entirely well, I'm well enough to manage in a non-hospital environment. With my discharge I was...

For those of you who are interested (or who follow my blog), I'm currently in hospital. And doing better.

I've been put on quetiapine and I'm only allowed off-ward with a staff escort.

I should be out within the next 7 - 10 days.

Happy posting, I'll write more then.

It's cold. So cold. Apparently 13 degrees outside, but feels colder - like about 6 or 7.

I can feel my mind letting go. I don't have to live for gym any more; I don't have to live for my cat anymore.

Everything stops when I stop, you see. Once I'm dead, the reality is, all consciousness will cease, and so will all knowledge of the living world. There is no afterlife, from dust we came, to dust we shall return.

Tonight is the night.

I'm...

Almost did it last night. Then I was like, no, competition today.

Staying alive for one thing, and that one thing isn't even my cat? Pathetic.

I tried pulling a rope around my neck so that it cut off circulation to my head, but not my breathing. Based it on martial arts techniques I read about a while back. Got a mean head rush, but didn't fall unconscious or anything like that. Experimenting with how to organise a hanging that does the same thing. If I can cut off the...

So I went for a walk on the motorway again last night. Whilst I wasn't doing it to harm or kill myself, it got me noticed. I'm not sure if that's what I wanted or not.

The police who picked me up said they'd never seen somebody walking in the middle before. It was new on them. They took me back home, had a conversation with Mum, rang their supervisors, and decided to detain me.

So I spent the night at Manukau Police Station, in a cell, by myself, alternately laying...