Grief and things.

Blayne died. On Friday.

Knew it was coming, his doctors had been telling him days since before Christmas. I'm glad he got home to W.A. to be with his family, and I'm glad he saw in the New Year. I'm sad that he's gone. Cancer claims another victim, Jess loses a good friend.

In other loss-of-friends news, back in December (or maybe early January) Jordan finally got back to me, and it's the last I've heard from him. He got pissed off that I moved without telling him (I only knew about 3 days in advance myself) and decided he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I did apologise, but it's February now so I guess I lost him as well. Before I lost Blayne.

I don't like it when people die. I'm still alive, you know? I've tried to kill myself nearly every way possible (only skipping out a few of the overly-violent and vehicle-destroying methods), and I know I'll probably try again in the future, or at the very least feel suicidal, yet I'm still alive.

So far as I know (we didn't talk about it too much, at his request) Blayne wanted to live. He was angry that he was dying.

I think it was hardest on me when he stopped saying "fighting" and started saying "dying". This was in early December, and I'd heard he was in hospice care, but I'd been making it a habit to at text around once a week just to check in. I'd ask "how's things" or "how are you" or something like that. And for ages and ages his reply had always been "fighting". Then he changed his response to "dying" and that hit me really hard, that was when I wrote a song about it.

I saw Debbie today (yup, she's still my psychologist =] ), and I mentioned that I used to blog quite often. She asked me if I would start doing it more regularly again because writing about stuff involves sitting with emotions which works directly on our current project of exposure to emotion. I'm really, really not a fan on this, emotions are tricksy things. So anyway maybe I'll be around a little more?

To those of you whom I communicate with mainly through TH, sorry about the neglect.