Today.

Okay, so, starting at the beginning, I slept five eighths of nothing. Then I got up, got dressed, did my ablutions, left the house, bought an energy drink to break my $20 (and for breakfast), caught a bus, smoked, attended P.E.T., which involved smoking, eating, talking, learning, realising things are out of control, talking too much, getting a 10/10 for my first quiz, and a carrot that lead to a lot of laughter.

After P.E.T., I'd planned to pick up my diary card from reception at the Lambie Drive office (I accidentally left it with Debbie on Tuesday when I gave her the last month's worth of diary cards), which was kind of good because I realised that I'm not able to slow things down, I'm not sleeping, I'm exhausted, and I'm at a loss with how to stop. It's kind of scary. So I asked if I could talk to Debbie, or anybody from my team, because yeah, and as luck would have it (at after 4:00 PM you never really know who's still in the building, aside from Lexie, the receptionist, who works 8 - 5), Debbie was there so I saw her. She said I look anxious and restless and so on so forth and asked if I feel elevated. I do but I also still feel low, it's really confusing, it's like I'm so happy but it's weird happy, it's spiky happy, it's not nice, I wish I could stop. Anyway so we had a brief session to discuss what I can do because I fucking want to sleep, and what was resulted was: Debbie suggested I try an isometric (because I hate PMR), so I did a plank. Following that, we had a plank-off. Which was really funny, she won, but she had an unfair advantage because I'd already done a plank and I couldn't stop laughing. I think she can probably hold one for longer than me anyway, so nvm.

We talked about using TIP. We started at the temperature part, and I said if you chuck me in cold water right now, I'm just going to swim. So then we talked about intense exercise, about what exercise would completely exhaust me, and I said running around the block, but that only takes about 15 minutes (it's a small block) and 20 minutes later I'm bouncing again. Also I'm unfit. So she said what about something I can do in a more sustained way that's still intense but like, my fitness doesn't matter so much. She asked about swimming and I was like oh yeah I like swimming, awesome, so she said swim.

And we had a brief discussion about food because I've been exhausted so I haven't been bothering to eat. It's possible to be so tired that you don't feel hunger, and Debbie agreed with me on this, because she had a liquid dinner recently anyway. She said I need to eat, and apparently when you're really tired carbs are good? But yeah.

And she asked about the iron. I haven't taken it for a couple of weeks (lazy, forgetful, had no juice and hate taking it with water), and she said that's probably adding to this so I should start taking that again, which I agree about, I'm just not motivated to take it.

And then I said I'm just you know, having so much trouble concentrating and staying still and feeling in control and things are so fast and I can't slow down, I can't stop, so she asked about quetiapine and I said I HAD considered that but didn't have any at home. (True.)

So she said she'd get me some (my meds live in an ICT cupboard that used to belong to Judy but is Debbie's now that Judy has retires), and that the plan would be I go home, go for a swim, eat some food, take the quetiapine, text in the morning re:sleep.

Oh and obviously she asked if I feel safe to go home, but I don't feel unsafe, I just don't feel entirely in control, either.

So I went home, grabbed my gym bag with my swimming stuff, drove to the pool, swum for 45 minutes (20x 25 metre lengths, including the pauses I had to take because I suck), sat in the spa for a few to try and slow down (didn't work), realised I was hungry, drove to BK, drove home, had a smoke, ate, realised I need to organise my art work for the thing I'm doing with Mum tomorrow (hopefully will sell lots and get monays ), then it was shower time, so I had a shower, and now here I am blogging.

And I have 1000 mg of quetiapine and it's up to me to pick how much I take. I have probation in the morning so I'm thinking between 300 - 500mg but definitely not less than 300. I need to slow down and I want to sleep and I want to feel like I'm on a more even keel because I can't afford to fuck up and get hospitalised and miss out on P.E.T.

But I suppose if it came down to it I would agree to go to respite again, I just, I'd rather not, I want to be successful in the community.

Oh, whatever, seriously.

Wish me luck with the sleep.