Cannot brain XD

I swear, I thought I knew what I was getting into.

Turns out I forgot how hard it is to read, to answer questions based on what I've learned, and adapt information.

I can do it, but goshdarn it's hella hard. Every time I spend more than twenty minutes trying to read, I feel like I'm bashing my brain with a pointy stick. Every time I spend more than ten minutes answering questions, words stop working and instead float around doing silly things like turning advocate into avocado and choice into choc and so on so forth. Basically it feels like I'm turning my brain into silly putty

I don't think I've ever worked this hard at something study related, but then, I haven't tried to study anything for nearly five years, so I guess I'm out of practise. But the brain muscle, it's complaining.

This feels good and it feels worthwhile though. I just (this evening) found out that peer support specialists exist in five places: four U.S. states, and New Zealand. And when I learned that I found in myself a desire to spread the message and get it to be a world-wide tool used by mental health services . . . because it fucking works. I'm not doing this training because I like beating the shit out of my brain, I'm doing it because it's important, and I genuinely believe that I can help people without being in a clinical role. (Although eventually I think I may end up in a clinical role, but anyway.)

Also things are still really hard, and today I had the fun adventure of feeling feverish and sick and having to leave group early, then feeling guilty for that, then getting a whole bunch of lovely intestinal cramps and diarrohea, even though I barely ate (feeling sick, didn't feel like eating), and then I realised that the initial feverishness was probably because I've had a really heavy period and I didn't take the pill I'm supposed to take to decrease the amount of bleeding. Fun.

And I'm still not sleeping well. Oh how I miss sleep. I would happily kill to get five hours a night. Just five. But struggling through each day on 0 - 4 (and most frequently, just over 2) hours of sleep is . . . well, I'm dropping things a lot, put it that way. Not even ridiculous amounts of caffeine are making much difference to me. I'm nearly over the line between very, very tired and exhausted to the point of being burnt out.

Well, I guess if I can make it until December 13th and graduate P.E.T. before I hit that point, it'll be okay. Another month, unless my sleep fixes itself.

I'm so low. I'm so low and I'm trying to do so much because it's once in a lifetime opportunity stuff but I am

I'm just so tired.